A Crucial Stage in Development

It begins. No surprise that I have adopted an adorable cat and she will be the topic of a blog post. I mean, look at her:

I have wanted to have a cat since I was a kid. Really, I have wanted a pet in general... my sister recalls, laughing, how I chanted, "my own hamster, my own hamster," repeatedly on our karaoke machine (it recorded tapes and the radio and our voice with a little plug in microphone... my mama and carl made it rain! I'm thinking about how many toys I had growing up. How I never realized this before. anyhow). I was trying to MANIFEST! Hamster, I want you. Please show up in my bedroom for me to love. We had pet rats in my fourth grade classroom, and I thought that they were so neat, but I remember that my mom didn't like the tails. We had a cat named Shay for a little while, but my papa Carl is allergic, so when we moved to the house that my parents still live in, we gave her to our friends from daycare Rose and Serena. It's funny how when you move only a few miles away when you're a kid, you can lose all contact with everyone from your elementary school. Or at least it feels that way. Three years feels like forever. I went to three different elementary schools, all in the same area. Looking back, kids from all three elementary schools ended up in my high school, and I even went to college with some but they all seem like really sharp divisions in time and space. Probably because they were. Three miles is a lot when you depend on your parents and the school bus for transportation. what was I talking about, my cat?

So, I always wanted a cat, but Carl is allergic. Not his fault.My Grandma would say,when I would whine about wanting a cat, that she would keep playing the lotto (and if she won she would get me a cat) And Carl also happens to be blind, so I grew up with the most wonderful, amazing yellow lab Guide Dogs in the house. Bruin I met when I was five, when I have my first memory of meeting my stepbrother and stepsister at Carl's apartment. He lived until I was... 15? I was a sophomore in high school I think. I remember the night before he was going to be put down sleeping on the floor next to him and crying and thinking that the next time we had a dog I wouldn't take him for granted like I took Bruin for granted. Then, we got Dirk.

Dirk was so young! I still think of Dirk as young, but it isn't true. It confuses me because my parents have a younger dog and I think of Dirk as a puppy still. Dirk was two when we got him, so not really a puppy. He was Carl's guide dog. He had very little interest in us at first. However, over the years, through me sneaking him snacks (I regret nothing!), him sleeping on my bed, me taking him for walks when I was grounded and couldn't hang out with my friends (if my memory serves well, that was often), he and I became best friends. When I had a car (my only car) he knew the sound when I came home and would greet me excitedly. I loved/love him.

so much.

When I transferred to college and finally moved out, I tried to steal him. My mom said (paraphrase),"You don't want a dog. You don't even want a plant. You want to be able to just go." and it's true. I think at some point I acted burdened to dogsit. However... this fear of committing to that kind of responsibility (useful or not) has stuck with me. My roommate meg and I would feed a stray cat we once let in from the rain, and kept coming back to sleep in our apartment. We called her Horatio and she might have had fleas. However, whenever meg who jokingly suggest that I get a cat, I would adamantly refuse.

Levon (my cat) has just sneezed. And in sleeping. So cute.

I know that my friends and etc are getting married and having babies and at one point that was appealing to me. It still is appealing to me. I think. But I have so much fear. Getting a cat meant a decade of commitment, and at the end of that decade (unless the lady is sick or hurt sooner:( ) having to be the person to make/finance all of those decisions. I don't want to be the person who has loved Levon for 10 years and to have to put her down because I can't pay her medical bills. Or to be the person to let her suffer because I can't part with her. Or, more selfishly, I might want to move somewhere where pets aren't allowed/far away/can't afford the pet deposit/anything and everything that could go wrong.

Just recently, I know I was talking smack about having pets. they are so unnatural, blah, blah blah. we are treating animals like babies,wasting resources, and some other bullshit (/perfectly reasonable stuff)I've forgotten about since Levon. Something that I might have fleshed out before, some other time, but now I don't care because I have a cat and I love her.

I actually expected that my mom would be disappointed in me for getting a cat. She was not. She seems to like Levon. I have really internalized that getting a cat is horribly irresponsible and will really limit my choices. As I was looking at pictures that that I took of Levon on my phone and giggling outside of the grocery store, I wondered, how did I build up something that makes me so happy to be such a scary thing? So maybe I can't move to Germany with Levon, but was I moving to Germany anyway? Not soon anyhow. I am embracing real life, and luckily levon is a part of it. She really is perfect. Soon we will be best friends. I hope! I'm used to dogs. Whatever. I love you Levon!

*I never understood why until recently that we all have things that we want that we are really afraid of. I always thought that it was foolish and cowardly not to pursue what makes a person happy. But now, as I feel so brave for getting a cat, I really have to say that all of these decisions can be scary, and I'm glad that I didn't understand that when I was younger. I'm sorry that I do now. It still seems like a silly way to live, but I don't know how to fix it, except to decide to get a few tattoos on a whim and to spend all of Sunday adopting a cat that you didn't plan to on Friday. Poor impulse control. that's my solution. Or taking advantage of unexpected moments of feeling like you know exactly what you want, and it's what you've always wanted and it's going to be okay. The end.