Shadow of the future

I left work early tonight in order to catch the train before 10 pm-- otherwise I would have had to wait until 11:07 for my train home, making it a day where I leave my house at 8:30 am and do not return until 11:30 pm, possibly midnight if the train is late. Yet, even as I left work I felt wound-up like a top, and going to bed straight away seems impossible. Anxiety.

I think my housemates are out listening to jazz. The house is quiet, and I had expected there to be couchsurfers in our midst by the time I arrived. This week is too busy. Gloriously busy, I cannot complain, (but here I am) social engagements filling my not-abundant spare time.

This week I decided that I want to go to law school. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say these things, although I still get excited at the prospect of long term plans. Since graduating college I have been completely serious when I told people that I would: move to Seattle (I did, for five or six months), be an au pair in Turkey (I was for three weeks), join the Coast Guard (I was thisclose), move to San Francisco (nope), become a nurse (community college is ridiculous right now. I got zero classes. I also had this plan too late for the impacted registration process), become a stand-up comedian (I really told people this. Really.), become an accountant (the school I was going to go to-- fast track-- was super expensive and has been accused of recruiting/exploiting homeless people)... and now I'm claiming that I want to go to law school. And really dream of being Tina Fey. Or some other amazingly funny/smart/cool writer/actor/whatever.

Hmmmmmph. This might be cute if I were ten years old. or barbie. "I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter (I forgot! I at one time claimed to want to be a firefighter! holy sh*t.)..." It brings me much anxiety.

Tonight I don't want to be anything. I want to keep living at my house, keep seeing the nice boy, keep working my jobs. Because I think that if I wasn't worried about money I'd still want to live in my house, and still like mostly everything about my life. I just wouldn't be trying to put a band-aid on my worried mind. Or I would be. who knows. My sister, she is so together, and she is the same way. Not quite as flighty, but she has the same concerns. It's the age.

Oh, people are home now. Neat!

Moments ago: My housemates replaced my lost copy of It's A Wonderful Life! My favorite movie! They bought it for me and stuck it under our tiny live Christmas tree (they decorated the house to be so lovely while I was at work the other day). I thanked them profusely, and they said they did it for the "same selfish reason everyone gives gifts, to see the happiness on your face" <-- what they actually said was much more funny, but it was lost to me immediately when I planned to remember it. GOOD NIGHT!