In bed, thinkin thoughts.

I'm at home today, not feeling great. I can't actually eat anything, and this is not fueled by my desire to be the oldest person in the Russian Ballet. I was thinking about having babies. Not casually like, "today I will have babies!" But more in the sense that if you have children, your love and various bullshit has much more weight than if you skip that step altogether.

Like, if you marry someone or don't and don't have kids, if you're a shitbag (whether you can make justifications or blah), it's something that gradually disappears. Your partner (or, partner is a misleading word, when you've been treating that person like less than an equal partner) moves on, or if they don't, their friends can only be so supportive. Initially, they're like "jimmy is such a douche! F*ck (I still have standards) him!" but eventually it's like, "hey lady, get over it. you crazy. no wonder he dumped your ass."

Children are like the oral storytellers of their parents misspent youth. Oh, I'm so hurt! Oh, this was so hard! And who will tell you otherwise? Children are innocents. This is why it is so dangerous to have kids before you're ready to give up your own childhood. You may feel like a child, but you have more of an idea of what the consequences of your actions are than a nine year old would.

I think that parenting has to be the hardest job ever. Ever. I've seen parents that don't want to tell their kids "no" because they don't want to give any sign that they don't love them. There are plenty of parents who are not at all involved in their kid's lives, which is a shame and sometimes a gift. Or some well-intentioned parents have had their relationships with their kid's altered for the worse as a result of their relationship with their partner. Or, whatvever. Families do.

Today is my mom's birthday. She's great. She had three kids by the time she was my age. Man! I look for her approval before I make any big decision. I ask her advice about everything and I probably tell her too much. For most people, our relationship with/without our parents is one of the most significant relationships we will ever have. This is the person who (in theory) will know you from the day you are born until the day that they (or you, in rarer cases) die. My idea of ideal parent-child dynamics is very much an American or western standard, or I regret to say that i know too little about most other cultures to know how they operate. I am grateful that my parents have tried to be realistic with me in regards to expectations about jobs I could have, and emphasized that I need to know what my priorities are. They have never been prejudiced about who I should love... they might object to my bringing home a Republican, or someone way outside of the mainstream (not that republicans are way outside of the mainstream. think... cher impersonator. my parents might initially have a problem with my bringing home a male cher impersonator. but they would be won over if he treated me well. eventually), but as far as ethnicity or gender I know whoever I decide to date it's cool to come home for the holidays. I know because they have told me so.

The greatest gift, besides raising me with material comforts and teaching me the importance of manners, is that my parents accept me as I am as an adult. Sometimes it is begrudgingly (my mom hates tattoos) and if I were truly destructive, I know that would not stand... but on the whole, I am very appreciative for this. My mom has emphasized  that you can really do whatever you want until you have kids. But, and I know this is what she really means: you can do whatever you want, within reason, and kids are awesome. But it's best to not before you're ready.