In A Gadda Da Vida Baby, I'm the creepy guy staring at you at the other end of the bar

In a stroke of good luck, I have been gifted an opportunity at one of my jobs to take on more responsibility. This would mean (potentially-- nothing has actually happened yet... in the next month they could observe me and say, hey lady... we actually made a mistake. you're a nice kid, but you're not ready for this yet) that I would have actual, real tasks that I would have to do that would take mental effort and organization. Not to knock retail, but it would be a challenge. I graduated from college three years ago (how has it been that long?) and I've tried taking classes, I've wanted to go back to school, I've tried things... various things. International things? I've repeated jobs that I had when I was 19. I've calmed down. A lot! I've made some really good friends, and have in general (in general) become healthier and more stable. Man, that is not a statement to make on the first date. I think my boyfriend is beginning to suspect that I'm insane, but I hope that I have ensnared him into the love trap (complete with shoulder rubs and freshly baked cookies) so that he'll hang out with me for a while longer.

Also not a statement to make at a job interview. Big brother, if you're watching, just joshin! Totally normal lady right here! I never think that *mumble mumble incoherent rambling*

Well, I don't think that any way that I'm feeling is anything but normal. Maybe ungrateful (which I would dispute!) or not conventional (meh.), but I think it all makes sense.

I have not had by any means a hard life. I am very blessed in many ways. Have you met my family? Seen my teeth? Okay, not the bottom row, but I've been gifted the awesome gift of orthodontia! Oh, jokes! None of these actually seem like jokes, which will make my next statement seem even more silly: earlier this year when I had lost some hope, I just started telling people, "I'm going to be a stand-up comedian." And I totally believed it. I was like, "f*ck it," which I'm sure is not the way that comedians actually conduct themselves. It takes a lot of work and sacrifice. And I have terrible stage fright. And don't tell jokes! Well, sometimes. But most of my friends are funnier than me, something I won't complain about. Keep 'em coming!

But, I swear. I heard that this opportunity might come about, and at first I was excited. And then I was kind of... I don't want to say anything that might make it seem like I will be incompetent or that I'm ungrateful... but I was a little freaked out. I guess I'm still a little confused.

Naive as it may seem, I never wanted to be motivated by money. I am not very good at picturing the future and have a really hard time making long term plans that I actually believe in (I'm also not very good at believing that the future actually exists, which it has been proven to, time and again). That said, I want to do good work. I think I'm okay with working hard. I went to college with the idea that I want to have a job that requires me to think and that is doing something that helps people in some way..

And I think I have the opportunity here. Or, if it doesn't work out, in some other function. My instinct though, was to move to Hollywood and try to break into showbiz. I joked at Christmas that "Phil Hartman is one of my heroes, I'd say Gandhi, but that wouldn't be as honest." Nooo. (Please focus on the "as" honest part. Still honest!) Have I ever been in a play? In elementary school and junior high, each time I was terrified and flubbed.

Have I mentioned this before... would I have mentioned this before? This insignificant moment where I was in high school and had my mom watch the movie "SLC Punk" or told her about it or something. I just remember how I said, of Matthew Lillard's character becoming a lawyer at the end, that he "sold out." My mom said, "it looks like he grew up." Have I mentioned this before? Have I told the same Matthew Lillard story on the internet before? That's the problem with being self-absorbed and talking about/thinking about yourself a lot: Nothing seems original.

There are parts of me that are all at once excited about my potential job change, worried about failure, confident that I will do a good job, think I will enjoy it, apprehensive I won't... but, as I told my mom today, I generally am okay with the job part of my job as long as I am not bored and don't feel incompetent. And the bar for what makes me feel  not bored has gotten way lower, as my belief that if I do my best and pay attention I will be competent has increased. Just don't put me in high pressure sales. Won't. Can't. Or anything that I am genuinely unequipped for. Being...  and I generally want to please people, so there's that employers!

Without telling too much of the biz, I have to say that I do know that my mama had to make a lot of sacrifices and compromises for us kids. My dad just did whatever he wanted to do, and I know that that's not the way I want to live (even if it sounds like he got to do a lot of fun junk). I want to be responsible, even if I make mistakes or am selfish sometimes. I also sometimes feel trapped by situations greater than myself, but then I question how much they are of my own making. Well, money is a reality and this opportunity I have is a good thing. What incredibly nice people to give me this chance-- a chance I have wanted.  I really confuse myself. I just have my head in the clouds all of the time, and clearly, in referencing the people who made me I don't feel entirely like my own life have evolved to a point where I can stop making so many comparisons.

Also, being a lady has its scary parts. Am I going to have kids? Not something I want at all at this age, and I do have some time, but if I want to be financially stable when this happens that will be at least a few years from now... and what if I do become financially stable (if. IF!) and (whether imagined or real) for the first time ever can buy i pods at will or take myself on vacations and want to do those things... and there are time frames for these decisions. Who knows what will seem right in the moment that I will regret later, or chances that I wish I had taken, or commitments I should have made... you can't know.

You can't know. You can just try to be reasonable and think about what is good for you and what is good for the people who matter in your life. I think. The end.