this is it

I am incredibly bored and am trying to accomplish something other than going to the store and buying booze tonight. I have boxes and boxes of books just waiting to be read, but tonight I’ve been lazing around, checking Facebook… thinking about going to bed even though it’s not yet 9 pm. This is the problem with winter. I welcome the rain (intermittently) and the cold, but the lack of light kills me.
Tomorrow night we are throwing a going away dinner for one of my best friends, who is moving semi-permanently to Deutschland and getting married. I am conflicted; very sorry for my loss, incredibly jealous that she is moving to Germany, and very happy that she is marrying a wonderful man whom I like very much. (Who? Whom? WHO? Object… subject… predicate… f*ckate)
Meg is an incredibly funny, awesome (dude!), loyal friend who I met when we both transferred to college and became roommates through a mutual friend. Now she is getting married. And having babies soon too, most likely. That is what she wants and it makes total sense and I am so delighted for her. I remind myself that while moving to Germany sounds like a grand adventure *so jealous* she is actually pretty well acquainted with the place, having lived there before and speaks the language fluently too. She’s cool. Rather than being the exotic-teutonic jaunt I dream of, she will actually be nestling into domestic life, continuing to work hard, planning to raise a family. That (I am so self-involved) is my problem. I don’t want to live real life. I want to live life on vacation, and as long as things are not constantly changing or improving I will never be satisfied. Germany, beautiful Germany, you are so far out of my grasp and perfect in my mind.
I guess we are of the age where getting married and having kids is totally normal. I don’t question anyone’s desire for those things. It all seems perfectly reasonable. However, I am a lady cannot conceive of it right now. I like the idea of wanting to marry someone. I think it’d be neat to have someone want to marry me (if he’s a thinking man, what a compliment!). However the execution sounds messy. Maybe it’s, no probably, it’s because I have only recently felt at all capable of taking care of myself. I don’t think that I would have to take care of my partner, but I know that my partner should not have to take care of me. That would be unfortunate and unworkable. Basically, it’s a huge, huge deal and while it’s fun to get silly and romantic, the idea of marrying someone is terrifying. Word!
And so with a heavy heart I bid Meg adieu. She is an incredibly capable person who is moving onto the next stage of her life. I only hope that in the coming months and years I can get my you-know-what together enough to visit her. She works hard to make the things that she wants become reality. She has more than once worked two jobs in order to save money. She has spent months at a time away from her fiancé. She spent a year baby-sitting bratty kids to be able to stay in the country. She’s neat. I will miss her.

*people come and people go, what are you going to do about it? This used to be much harder for me, as people I love seem to move away every few months. I’ve adjusted slightly.