The Titanic

There is only so much television that I can watch before I feel depressed. Granted, I love t.v. but spending a perfectly good evening watching more than two hours watching television makes me feel pretty crazy. that isn't to say it isn't done, but I'd prefer otherwise.

I've been lacking in imagination, and have had been lazy with my brain. I'm housesitting for my boss- who I like very much, however I worry a lot about her continuing to or consistently liking me. She seems to. This is nice. of me. right? She's a cool lady.

My job (secret), I'm not crazy about. The people are wonderful and I'm getting laid off soon anyhow. But it's been stifling, man. Going to that office everyday, everyone knowing that they're losing their jobs (the agency is closing). However, everyone else is in an employee union and know they know when they're losing their jobs. Not me. I'm an independent contractor. And my program isn't defunded. It's just moving somewhere at sometime. Has anyone told us when? No. Is there an answer to when I will lose my job? Probably in a month or two. Am I still moving ahead like I'm not on a sinking ship? Yes, indeedily do.
*To be fair, everyone else is also fully invested, have careers and morgatages and kids and car payments. Not me.

And, despite not liking my job too too much, the uncertainty is getting to me. And I might not qualify for unemployment if I can't find a job, which never occured to me, because I've never been unemployed before without it being my choice and in such a crappy economy. And I think I accidentally downloaded a virus onto my personal computer the other day. From Netflix. Not porn. Which is irrelevant, but I'm on a roll here.

I don't love my job (something I hope no one at my work realizes), but I worry about everything, all the time, so this is stressful. I should focus on the definites. So I don't know when, but I know I will. The bigger picture, so to speak. Like a break up, or a good friend moving away. Loss is inevitable. Like death. I am calm, I am accepting. I'm still getting a paycheck. You see, these things called dollar bills don't come easily. They're important. If I can just secure them and somehow keep them... not worry about such frivolities as healthy expensive food and shelter. And fun. I like to have fun.

The best things in life are free, like love, or a good attitude. However, call me bourgeousie, I think that money definitely helps. And my employer is the only entity that gives it to me. So. There's that.

You can stay, but the world will change around you

Hi again. I've been having a great summer. Summer really loses some of its luster when you leave school completely; you have to go to work everyday, it just gets hotter outside. However, it has been my experience these past few years that summer still has some of that same old magic, even as life slips into a new routine (one that doesn't involve playing soccer and sardines in the street. "Car!... game on."). Summer nights, sweaty bike rides, getting a little smelly, feeling strangely natural with your skin constantly moist from lack of air conditioning. I love it. I generally say that autumn and early winter are my favorite seasons, but that may be something I just tell myself before seasonal affective disorder sets in and my body starts screaming for some sushine.

Anywho, I've had a good run of weekends. The past couple months, every weekend has been so fun. I'm not sure when it will end. It doesn't have to end, but the likelihood that things will continue uninterrupted as they are is definitely zero. This realization is nothing new on my part. It's the same old worry; worring about nothing, about things that haven't yet happened that I have no control over. However, what is new, is the idea that I don't want to be in flux today. This is probably a good sign, I must be somewhat content. I was just sitting in my backyard, with my cat, and I thought, "what if I just stayed here for a while?" Well, I'll tell you what: I'm losing my job. (It'll be okay.) Our beloved family dog was recently put down. Two of my housemates are getting married (to each other!!! exciting!). Friends are moving to other cities (but they're here now...!). And so on. It's life.

I don't think that I do actually just want to sit here. However, life has a way of setting a pace that I cannot readily adjust to. And that's fine. I am beginning (on a teensy small scale)accept the impermanence of everything and that it's all okay. Even if it makes me unhappy sometimes. It also makes me happy sometimes. That job that I had that I hated when I was twenty years old, sure glad that was not permanent. Or heartbreak, or disappointment, or yada yada.

These weekends can't last forever, my housemates will eventually move away, people that I'm accostomed to enjoying on a semi-regular basis will get jobs in other cities, sometimes far away, people will get married, have babies, people will die. People will die? Is that what I just said? Again? Hey, I'm not the decider here.

I always remind people (and myself) of that. Not intentionally. What a bummer. I had coffee with my mom earlier today and she mentioned that it was going to be my nana's 70th class reunion. My reaction was that I dread the day when I have to get used to most of my friends and family beginning to pass away. At that age they begin to consolidate the graduating classes because they keep shrinking.

Anyway, I'm very lucky. You have to have something to be afraid of losing it. And I'd been kicking rocks for awhile. So in the words of al green,

"Don't look so sad I know its over
But life goes on and this world keeps on turning
Let's just be glad we have this time to spend together
There is no need to watch the bridges that were burning"

I'm so emo. That's still a thing, right? Another thing, I don't know how to work apps, I don't know Justin Bieber, google+ frightens and confuses me. I'm just a 20th century girl, trapped in a 21st century world. grow. change. vinyasa. hot tub time machine.

That's what friends are for!

Today I want to talk about the terrible spectre of loneliness. Jokes! I'll get there.

Last night I got to visit with one of my dearest friends, Meg, who moved to Germany this past year. Meg is teaching english and living with her very nice german boyfriend, Matthias. I met Meg in college; through a mutual friend we became housemates when we transfered to university from community college. We eventually worked together, and also had many classes together, as we had the same major (except she was a double major and also studied German). Needless to say we became pretty close and sometimes really, really annoyed each other.

Meg is hilarious, loyal, yada yada yada, super cool and I love her. However, in talking about how awesome she is, I'm going to move on to a more depressing subject, because that's how I roll.

I feel like people often live smaller lives as they get older, sometimes become increasingly isolated... if you are a part of an intentional community like a housing co-op or a church (alas, I'm not religious) this may be less of the case, but as I get older things seem to be super in flux, and while the relationships remain, the physical presence of certain loved ones in my life is less so. Life! Ah well.

I'm very lucky and surrounded by great people most of the time. However, things have changed. I have two friends who live with each other and are besties, and I think longingly of college when I hear that they have matching hats that they wear when they decided to smoke weed and get silly. Now, I would prefer not to smoke, but I would like someone to wear a matching hat with.

Meg and I, as lady best friends sometimes do (maybe fellas as well, but it doesn't seem so to me), had a best friend's inside joke book that we called, "the bible". In it was shared experiences, memories, general silliness. Last night she picked me up at my house, and I was laughing almost immediately. We hung out at her sister's house, and then I decided I was hungry at 10:30 at night, and we went to the store and joked that we were acting like we were high (so much talk about weed. we weren't)because we were giggling and getting too excited about seeing "perfect food bars" on the shelf, and filled our arms with snacky, munchy foods.

You know, I'll say it again, I'm lucky. Throughout my life, I've gotten close to many people over the years, and have had these moments in time where I got to be especially close to a friend. Then things shift, you're still close, but you don't spend all of your time together. I have in the past tried to make boyfriends that person, but in that case there's the special danger of co-dependence and losing yourself in a romantic relationship (and driving the other person crazy/away. overshare?). Probably not always, but I think it takes more practice for some (me). I think that my sister would be down to hang out all the time, and cook and laugh and etc, but we keep living in other states. Bummer.

At this point, I worry that this sounds like a sad, lonely blah blah that is a time and enjoyment suck. I woke up at this morning and walk/ran to the train station (further from Meg's sister's house than I was thinking. sleepiness!) and then walked from the train station to my house. So I had some thinking time. Meg's sister is an attorney in my office and could have given me a ride to work, but I accidentally washed a contact lens down the drain last night/wanted to take a morning constitutional/see my cat. That's right, my cat. I embrace it. I am not, nor will I ever be a sad cat lady. You have to be sad to be a sad cat lady. I may be unmarried forever, but I think that having an animal to care for is good for most people. Levon is a great comfort and joy to me. And when I get the blues... she's great. Anyhow, I have to change for work, but I let me say that I am pretty happy about opportunitities to see my loved ones.

Gah!

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee

I just went to the most fun yoga class. Let me preface all of this by saying that I am new to yoga. My funny teacher said that I was "like a gps" and "the leaning tower of Pisa". I'm not very good. Two other things that I liked that he said were, "the best reason to smile is no reason at all" and "the simpliest act of love is paying attention". He advised me to tryto become a masseuse, to have maybe may jobs instead of one, and to not get married until I'm at least 30 (he's seen it many times he said, men want to "capture" a woman, and he sees women giving all of themselves over.) He also invited me to his bikram yoga class and offered me thirty free days at the studio.

I am sometimes very lucky. sometimes I am incredibly unlucky. But, as far as random acts of kindness go, I feel like I've been, I don't know, pretty blessed (I don't know how to describe it). I have a nice bicycle because my mom's best friend's husband is an exceptionally nice guy and gave it to me.

Have I told you the story of the man who once gave me a hundred dollars for no reason at all? Maybe. Maybe I've written it before too, but here it comes: I was working at a grocery store as a cashier (this happened a few years ago) and this man that I recognized, but didn't really know came through my line. He gave me a card. at that time, being a young lady college student I sometimes got attention from the male customers. Not wanting to be rude, I accepted the card to look open later. I didn't want him to ask me out. He seemed nice enough, but it was pretty awkward.

So later, I opened the card and was freaked out as I pulled out $20 bills. I called my manager immediately (I wasn't sure I would be allowed to keep it/nor did I want to keep it) I read the note, my manager read the note, and my friend Elliot who had come to run with me after work read the note. "It's a nice note," Elliot said.

Basically, the man had said that he had come through my checkout line at some point and saw that I was really happy. (And I was really happy that point in my life. I would sing at work. It's a place I'm trying to get back to.)

He was not happy. He knew no one in town, he might have been drinking too much, he was unfulfilled. He said that he looked at me and figured that he wanted to be in that place that I was in. So he wrote a list, and gave himself a deadline. He worked hard, ended up divorcing, really struggled, and now he was happy.

I saw him later in the store and we talked about his gift to me. He said that he felt like he had to do it, like he was on a crashing plane making promises about what he would do if his life was spared. When he wrote the list, I guess he thought if it worked he would give me $100. I tried to give it back to him multiple times (a nice gesture, but the letter I prized) but I ended up just giving him a mango. then I moved away and moved back and I haven't seen him again.

Anyhow, I don't believe that these things really speak to what kind of a person I am (except sometimes very lucky and sometimes unlucky), but they do speak volumes about the kindness of others and the impact we can have on other people, even strangers. I am not always a kind person, but that is my worthiest aspiration. All things will come from it. Health, from kindness to myself. Wealth, for the riches of integrity and good relationships. Strength, for doing what is not always easy.

Okay, clearly I was just in a yoga class. I'm done. Love, Rachel

how did you not see that baby lurking in the bathwater?

I broke the babka. I just made my first chocolate babka (anyone else remember that Seinfeld episode? apparently cinnamon babka is a lesser babka. I like saying babka.) Earlier, as I was preparing the layers, I initiated a conversation with my housemate about the babka, where I had the delight of using the word in almost every sentence. Babka.

Well, I broke the babka, because I was impatient to move it out of the pan and onto a plate. typical. It'll still be tasty, but slightly less impressive. I probably won't eat it, but will watch the rate of consumption of it by my housemates to determine if it's work baking again.

Speaking of broken things, I've noticed that I seem to be surrounded by a lot of quirky appliances, for lack of a better term. Most of my electrical appliances come to me or are soon on the fritz. my record/cd cassette player/radio does not have full funtionality,my cell phone deletes telephone numbers at whim (I should do something about that, but I keep forgetting). Our house is an old unit, something is always breaking, the clothes dryer is turned on with a fork and has no working timer. The stereo doesn't really work... all of this, let's call it charm.

For the most part it doesn't bother me, and it can be kind of funny at times (my cousin and I commiserating on the terrible cars we once had), but... it's a nice thought. If something is broken, but still adequate (like my old laptop that I had to hook up to a monitor because the screen was broken), why not make do? maybe that's being cheap or lazy, but I think there's some wisdom in it too.

Juicy, Biggie Smalls. Gangsta

hello friends. I have had the luck of chatting via the internet with one of my best friends (so great! so smart and hilarious and cool!) meg, who is currently living in Germany. To anyone who is anti-facebook or internet communication, I have to say that I feel like at least 90% of the people I love are on the move, or will be, and I thank god for anything that allows semi-easy communication.

Moving on, it's a good morning. I woke up at 6:30 or something, not realizing that I didn't have to work, but that's being a grown up, I guess. When I was younger I bet my mom's friend that I'd still be sleeping until noon when I was thirty, but that's clearly not happening. 6:00 or 7:00 more like it, with 9:00 sleeping in, and 10:00 really late, unless there's another person to influence me. Hey-o! Ignore that last one. I am a sexless character, absent those characteristics.

Anyway, meg and I were chatting (as it is described), and I thought, I love a man who likes to see me eat. I feel like that is a sign that someone truly cares about you. I have had some a*hole boyfriends (no offense to any of you who might be nice people but were terrible as my boyfirend) and have been a jerk on countless occassions myself (romantic relationships are the weirdest kind of relationships), but anyone who encouraged me to eat/made me food/ate mexican food with me, I think, it couldn't have been all bad.

I (overshare) have a not great relationship with food. I used to, and still do in some ways, think that if I could just lose some weight, all of my "problems" would somehow magically disappear and I'd be a better person. One of the better things that happened to me was when I went to college, gained weight, frumped out, and still had friends and went on dates. I had value beyond achieving whatever idea I had that I was not measuring up to.

I still worry about getting older and becoming a sexless (earmuffs, apologies) creature, wearing mom jeans and getting jowly, but what are you gonna do? And I have a twin sister (not identical) who is in excellent shape who I can see as an example of our genes treated right. whatever. she's a mutant. a perfect mutant, who is my best friend, but where did she come from? She's unlike the rest of our family.

Anyway, as a person who, in effort not to be unhealthy about things (I wish I weren't this way, but that's okay) refuses to eat: bread, sweets, dairy most of the time, and sometimes grains and floury deals(which sound unhealthy, but if you saw me eating a burrito or naked, you'd know I'm okay). I love a man who likes to see me eat taco bell, but doesn't make me feel like a freak for the agreement I've come to with food. That is all.Now everyone, go and listen to randy travis "They say time takes it's toll on the body, makes a young girls brown hair turn grey, but honey I don't care, I aint in love with your hair, and if it all fell out, I'd love you anyway." I's a sap.

We are family... I don't know what to call this.

I am spending this weekend in the suburbs of Sacramento, the place that I grew up, although probably not the place I would describe as where I feel the most comfortable. My sister and brother are in town this weekend for a friend's wedding(more details to come), and I've been hanging out with them and my old friends, tomorrow some extended family as well. I borrowed my mom's bike to shake off the mid afternoon coma that I felt coming on. The bike is slower and heavier than my bike, with its fat tires, generous frame and ample seat. And the shocks... are those what they are called? I felt like I was riding a cadillac.

My sister just moved to a new town and has yet to find a job, and so she decided to come down on Tuesday. I felt so guilty throughout the week, because I felt unable/unwilling to sleep at my parent's house on the evenings where I had to go to work. She came to visit at my house on Tuesday, we visited my aunt and grandfather on Wednesday, on Thursday I made my mom, sister, nana, and boyfriend dinner at my house(they said it was delicious, thank you very much)...

oh no, my brother and friends just got home. This may have to be abbreviated. I whispered to them that I was writing on my blog and felt like a huge nerd.

By Friday I was exhausted and had to take a night off. I felt like a jerk, but if I don't get a little me time I get whiny and fussy like a little girl who needs a nap. However, the main event was on Saturday, so I feel like this may have been a wise move.

On Saturday we trekked to Ione, where I went to the most beautiful wedding ever, despite the buckets of dumping rain and it being held outdoors. Eli and Carina (Eli being my good friend as a result of his being one of my brother's best friends growing up) were getting married.

I can't really describe at the moment how beautiful this farm wedding was. The ceremony was short and sweet (I did not cry, though it was close), and afterwards we all went to this lovely outdoor area for hors d'oeurves and cocktails. Right before dinner it started drizzling. Soon it was pouring. Everyone was huddled under the tented areas, the women long ditching their party dresses for warm pants and sweaters. The bride's brother was amazing-- soaked to the bone, grilling beef parties and portabella mushrooms in the rain until the hundred or so (more? less? I don't know.) guests were all fed the main course. It was truly heroic.

The guests had been invited to camp on the property, but at this point, many people took down their tents. However, while it was cold and pouring, most people stayed, wet and uncomfortable under the tented area for hours.

The rain cleared out just as the party was relocated to the barn, which was filled with stacks of hay and they hung twinkle lights... we left and then came back this morning after the brunch for a gorgeous farm walk. I hope it's not rude to detail the events of someone else's wedding. It was just so neat. Because it was Eli and Carina and the so graciously invited up, my parents and siblings were all there, as well as the family members of some of our other friends.

Most of the people who were always at my parents house when I was a teenager were also at the wedding. It's so neat that everyone is still friends. I told my sister that no matter what else changes in my life and how much I can be resistant to leaving my own life to go to the burbs, seeing all of those old friends feels like coming home. She said that she was happy that I said that because she feels the same way.

So. Now that I am ensconsed in my parents house, my resistance of earlier this week has melted away. Work just exhausts me/I get easily overwhelmed when I have the perception that none of my time is my own.And I miss my cat. So, my brother is having a barbeque now. Whoo hoo! Thanks for listening.