If the world is an overwhelming place in which I inhabit a little calm boring corner of, I can be grateful of that.

thoughts of the morning:1.) this girl who used to have regular dreams involving apocalypse, rejection, and violence, woke up from a lovely time of visiting with friends and family (my cousin Jenn even asked if anyone wanted to play parcheesi. I thought, "how does one play parcheesi?") 2.)Television dreams my dreams for me and I'm not sure that's a good thing 3.) I went to bed with intention about what I still want to do in life (not what I want out of life, cause that's easy= happiness) and a clear idea of what, if not a concrete plan of how to make those things happen, a clear idea of what I want to avoid doing n order to make those things more likely happen 4.) Change (capital C) is happening in ways we can and cannot control. We need to/should (normative versus positive lecture in college political science class. was positive the other word?) work to change the things that we can. history tells me that scary things happen in times of change 5.) I'm glad that some of the things I like are not prohibited in a jail cell: reading and yoga, although I'd miss sunlight. however, if I ended up in a jail cell I'm not sure that times would be such that that would be enough or that they would allow me to do those things 6.) I am soft. Yesterday I bought yet another jar of $6 hazelnut spread and multiple cups of coffee. My guilt sends me to the $6 jar, but my reason should tell me otherwise 7.) It's all over. It's too late. But I'm still here. My cat is grooming herself in my doorway, I'm lying in bed, coffee will be ready soon. Shoot, I still have to pour the water into the french press. 8.) log out of facebook. pick up that real book. even if you are accomplishing nothing, maybe you will at least stave off alzheimers in your old age. 9.) who was alzheimer? wikipedia is down today 10.) I should call my grandmother. and I should write my congressperson. how is it that I am so ignorant and inarticulate? it's my own fault. If I had a month to shut myself in my room and study... 11.) I want to move 700 miles away, away from all distractions and obligations 12.) still haven't made that coffee yet

That is my proof positive that thinking constantly does not indicate intelligence. The other day at work I realized I thought of the character Miranda from the television show "sex and the city" four separate times. I don't have any affinity towards her or Cynthia Nixon. But she kept popping into my consciousness. What are the things I still want to do in life? Two of the three things I articulated to myself last night I can accomplish right here, even right here in my bed if I had the tools. If I focused those racing thoughts and stopped idly thinking about "sex and the city" so much. I'm banking on the fact that the women in my family typically live long lives and that I'm a late bloomer. However, I have also observed that those same women who are blessed with health have also had their dreams curtailed or shifted by life, so I guess it's especially nice that they were granted the time to wrap their heads around those facts and make peace with them (my nana says, "isn't it a shame we had to be poor, but so good looking").

My family is very interesting to me. It'd make a good story that I will never write. I'm sure most peoples families are interesting. It's the story of people after all. Alls I'm saying is, we got plot. Which is good, because from my perspective as a child, I'm missing some of the dialog. The tip of the iceberg, which author said that? Anyway, i forget most everything that happened, and most of the things I'm told, my brain as most people's just clings onto the sensational bits.

I'm going to make that coffee now. I hope the water's still hot enough.