Tomorrow, or I guess today (at this late hour) is New Year's Eve. 2010 is ending. My oh my.
I used to come up with a list of New Year's Resolutions about 10 deep. Usually the first would be to lose some serious weight. I've given up on that, let me tell you. I've accepted that I would not be doing it in a way that would be healthy or accounting for the heaviness of my future/imagined bulging muscles that would come with working out consistently. (I want to be ballerina sized. I also want to be freakishly strong. I want to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer?-- NERD)
I would also resolve to study another language (to be bilingual!), followed by a resolution for better personal habits. You know, keeping my room clean, being nicer, etc. Basically delineating the qualities of the perfect person I wish to be and setting myself up to fail.
So, this year... I don't know. I've scrapped this resolution thing in the recent past, feeling like I already want to strive to be better all of the time without this silly timeline that New Year's Eve causes me and others to self-impose. My feeling is that people will only change when they are ready to, for good or ill. I am far from a disciplined person, but I have been able to be disciplined in certain areas of my life when I felt that I was ready. This coming year I think will be a continuing quest (half-hearted, though far from disinterested ) to think up what my future could look like, and what I need to do (funds, courage, work. and above all gumption) to get there. That's another thought I've had recently. Who knows what the future looks like, but I'm glad that I was at least raised with the thought that if I work hard I should be able to achieve some tangible dreams. That seems like it is less true for many people these days, but I've spent a good 25 years believing that and that's better than a lot of people get. Ho hum. I say this, but really I have some ridiculous expectations, or low expectations but a crazy entitlement complex. Maybe this is it. End.
I don't know. I guess I would like to resolve to be neater, but that seems unlikely to occur (until I'm ready? ha!). I think it's really unattractive to be an adult and to be a slob. But since I was a little kid, my room has been in a state of chaos, mounds of clean laundry, unmade bed, general clutter. The past few places I've lived I haven't even bothered unpacking boxes of books and other junk that makes me wonder why I have all of this sh*t to begin with. I have devised a method for sorting my clean clothes from the dirty: the clean clothes are piled at the foot of my mattress. The dirty clothes are shoved behind boxes on the other side of the room. There is nothing gross, no moldy food on old dishes, no funky broccoli smell (there was a period of my life...), but clutter, clutter everywhere.
Maybe this year I will resolve to do some form of exercise (real. the kind where I'd sweat) every day. Will this happen? Maybe to commit to this I also need to resolve to spend more time in the nude. Is that shallow? Of course. Should I resolve to read more? To be kinder? Meh. There is so much to improve upon, for everyone. Can you imagine that if people, like they binge eat before New Year's in preparation for their resolution diets, went around being jerks to everyone, preparing for the upcoming year's improved attitude?
Happy New Year! Here's hoping that you are safe, fulfilled and loved in the coming year. And I wish that I had a joke to finish this with. Good luck!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It's a small world after all... (such an obvious title)
I don't believe in fate, but that isn't to say that I do believe in no fate (???), just that I am not in any definite camp and if someone asked me I'd be like, "no, I don't." Beautiful. Bill Shakespeare couldn't have said it better (how well read am I that I also come up with the most obvious writer for my self-deprecating statements. get on with it!). Yes.
I am however, interested in coincidences. Coincidences are much easier to come by and less nebulous, especially if you live in the same area for most of your life. Tonight I was sitting, talking with my housemates, when I saw a photograph of my housemate's friend on her computer and what looked like a good friend of mine, taken in another city. Both her friend and mine grew up in different cities, so they had clearly met recently. Then I realized that my brother was also in the photograph (less of a coincidence here, my friend Nathan is also my brother's friend Nathan, and also roommate). It turns out that Nathan and my housemate Sydney's friend both used to work together.
Not less than a half an hour later I realized that a girl from my neighborhood, whom I went to high school and college with-- who I had been randomly and unrelatedly looking at a photo of from an old shoebox of pictures moments earlier-- has a little brother that works with my other housemate. We were talking about her work place and suddenly I realized that that young man I saw behind the counter was Anna's brother. I have never met him. I visited my housemate's workplace the first and only time earlier this week, and it was his first day volunteering there from my understanding. We were just talking about her work and I remembered his face and I asked if he had an older sister, and I believe it is Anna. And I am correct!
This doesn't sound so odd, but the two incidences occurring in such a short time frame made me think about connections. This sort of thing happens. I moved into my house and eventually discovered that another of my housemates lived in the dorms with my old coworker. They went to Stanford. He is from L.A. She is from Brooklyn. We live in none of those places. They both ended up in this area and I befriended them both. He moved away and we stopped working together and then Diana moved in to our house.
I feel like I'm belaboring these details (UNDERSTAND ME! UNDERSTAND ME!), but as a person who does not believe in fate, I do wonder about coincidence. There are some people who are everywhere, and then they are gone. Like when I transferred to university at the same time as this guy Dan, with whom I went to community college. At first I saw him everywhere, and we kept getting classes together, and then at Christmas, amongst thousands of people i ran into him in Disneyland with his girlfriend. Neither of us lived in Southern California. And then I never saw him around anywhere. Why did I see him so much for a while and then in another city? And then nowhere? Hmmm? HMMM?
Or, when I saw my friend Magnus in Munich and didn't really get to say goodbye to him, and then took a five hour train ride to Trier (where he, admittedly was supposed to be the next day, still...) and I saw Magnus a few days later in that town, having dinner with some friends. It was not such a small town that it was just bound to happen. It was wonderful.
I'm sure that there are other examples, as I'm sure you have in your own life. One more: When I moved to Seattle I became friends with this guy that worked at a donut shop that I frequented. I mean, I went there everyday. I am disgusting. I was so happy! Anywho, I met this guy and we became friends and I discovered after a short while that: we are both twins (like he has a twin brother, I have a twin sister), both of our twin siblings studied psychology, he and I both studied International Relations, he participated in Model E.U. in college, I did Model U.N., we were both baptized as Lutherans, we both can do the same creepy slow wink with our eyes...
Oh! And when I was working at a coffee shop in Seattle I saw this woman who looked familiar and just guessed while taking her order that her husband was a man that I knew and really liked who shopped at a grocery store that I worked/work at in California, whom I remembered had moved to Seattle months before I did... and there have been other times where I have been seen people out of context in different cities... like my friend Jeff walking down the street in San Francisco while I was driving with my family... (these are all confirmed sightings by the way).
I don't feel like I'm making too much out of this, because beyond blogging (*gulp*) about these things, I generally forget them as soon as they happen. I might sounds like an idiot for thinking about this so much... I just wonder why that happens. Or how often it really does happen, we just don't recognize the people that it's happening with, like Marge Elliot, whom I've never met and she and I keep crossing paths, but neither of us are aware that it's happening.
I also liked learning that a perfect stranger and I had so much in common. They were mostly superficial things that became really apparent quickly, but I wonder how much you can discover that with anyone the more that you know and talk with them.
Anyone who stays in the same place long enough is bound to have some connections. I just think it's neat when reminders of this come up and smack you in the face, that the world can sometimes be really small and that we are more linked to each other than we realize. I don't know. I feel like I've willingly tried to make my life a little smaller recently, that I've scaled back socializing, that I moved out of a town where I feel very comfortable (but I'm still in another town where I may feel less comfortable in, but have deeper roots-- and is within biking distance of the other). Yet when I lived even farther away I was still ran into people from back home, and this happened enough that it wasn't until I was on another continent I was surprised not to see any familiar faces.
Well. Christmas is almost here, an I'll have plenty of time to ponder the best of my well established connections: my wonderful family. Nothing beats having roots, especially when it becomes something really beautiful. I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier (I have a sense that people-- not hannah-- might find me a little hard to take. I'm ridiculous. and very flawed. and am not as pollyanna sunshine as I project, but I do think that those moments are the ones worth celebrating <-- gross. rachel, you're gross. just stop.) I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier and she said to me, "blossom where you bloom." or was in "bloom where you blossom?" Shoot. I was too busy making apologies for myself to get that right. Anyway, "blossom where you bloom." Another she said is, "there is a difference between settling and settling into something." Not relevant for our purposes but I thought I'd share. Anyway. A bientot! I've exhausted this subject. Thank you for reading,
I am however, interested in coincidences. Coincidences are much easier to come by and less nebulous, especially if you live in the same area for most of your life. Tonight I was sitting, talking with my housemates, when I saw a photograph of my housemate's friend on her computer and what looked like a good friend of mine, taken in another city. Both her friend and mine grew up in different cities, so they had clearly met recently. Then I realized that my brother was also in the photograph (less of a coincidence here, my friend Nathan is also my brother's friend Nathan, and also roommate). It turns out that Nathan and my housemate Sydney's friend both used to work together.
Not less than a half an hour later I realized that a girl from my neighborhood, whom I went to high school and college with-- who I had been randomly and unrelatedly looking at a photo of from an old shoebox of pictures moments earlier-- has a little brother that works with my other housemate. We were talking about her work place and suddenly I realized that that young man I saw behind the counter was Anna's brother. I have never met him. I visited my housemate's workplace the first and only time earlier this week, and it was his first day volunteering there from my understanding. We were just talking about her work and I remembered his face and I asked if he had an older sister, and I believe it is Anna. And I am correct!
This doesn't sound so odd, but the two incidences occurring in such a short time frame made me think about connections. This sort of thing happens. I moved into my house and eventually discovered that another of my housemates lived in the dorms with my old coworker. They went to Stanford. He is from L.A. She is from Brooklyn. We live in none of those places. They both ended up in this area and I befriended them both. He moved away and we stopped working together and then Diana moved in to our house.
I feel like I'm belaboring these details (UNDERSTAND ME! UNDERSTAND ME!), but as a person who does not believe in fate, I do wonder about coincidence. There are some people who are everywhere, and then they are gone. Like when I transferred to university at the same time as this guy Dan, with whom I went to community college. At first I saw him everywhere, and we kept getting classes together, and then at Christmas, amongst thousands of people i ran into him in Disneyland with his girlfriend. Neither of us lived in Southern California. And then I never saw him around anywhere. Why did I see him so much for a while and then in another city? And then nowhere? Hmmm? HMMM?
Or, when I saw my friend Magnus in Munich and didn't really get to say goodbye to him, and then took a five hour train ride to Trier (where he, admittedly was supposed to be the next day, still...) and I saw Magnus a few days later in that town, having dinner with some friends. It was not such a small town that it was just bound to happen. It was wonderful.
I'm sure that there are other examples, as I'm sure you have in your own life. One more: When I moved to Seattle I became friends with this guy that worked at a donut shop that I frequented. I mean, I went there everyday. I am disgusting. I was so happy! Anywho, I met this guy and we became friends and I discovered after a short while that: we are both twins (like he has a twin brother, I have a twin sister), both of our twin siblings studied psychology, he and I both studied International Relations, he participated in Model E.U. in college, I did Model U.N., we were both baptized as Lutherans, we both can do the same creepy slow wink with our eyes...
Oh! And when I was working at a coffee shop in Seattle I saw this woman who looked familiar and just guessed while taking her order that her husband was a man that I knew and really liked who shopped at a grocery store that I worked/work at in California, whom I remembered had moved to Seattle months before I did... and there have been other times where I have been seen people out of context in different cities... like my friend Jeff walking down the street in San Francisco while I was driving with my family... (these are all confirmed sightings by the way).
I don't feel like I'm making too much out of this, because beyond blogging (*gulp*) about these things, I generally forget them as soon as they happen. I might sounds like an idiot for thinking about this so much... I just wonder why that happens. Or how often it really does happen, we just don't recognize the people that it's happening with, like Marge Elliot, whom I've never met and she and I keep crossing paths, but neither of us are aware that it's happening.
I also liked learning that a perfect stranger and I had so much in common. They were mostly superficial things that became really apparent quickly, but I wonder how much you can discover that with anyone the more that you know and talk with them.
Anyone who stays in the same place long enough is bound to have some connections. I just think it's neat when reminders of this come up and smack you in the face, that the world can sometimes be really small and that we are more linked to each other than we realize. I don't know. I feel like I've willingly tried to make my life a little smaller recently, that I've scaled back socializing, that I moved out of a town where I feel very comfortable (but I'm still in another town where I may feel less comfortable in, but have deeper roots-- and is within biking distance of the other). Yet when I lived even farther away I was still ran into people from back home, and this happened enough that it wasn't until I was on another continent I was surprised not to see any familiar faces.
Well. Christmas is almost here, an I'll have plenty of time to ponder the best of my well established connections: my wonderful family. Nothing beats having roots, especially when it becomes something really beautiful. I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier (I have a sense that people-- not hannah-- might find me a little hard to take. I'm ridiculous. and very flawed. and am not as pollyanna sunshine as I project, but I do think that those moments are the ones worth celebrating <-- gross. rachel, you're gross. just stop.) I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier and she said to me, "blossom where you bloom." or was in "bloom where you blossom?" Shoot. I was too busy making apologies for myself to get that right. Anyway, "blossom where you bloom." Another she said is, "there is a difference between settling and settling into something." Not relevant for our purposes but I thought I'd share. Anyway. A bientot! I've exhausted this subject. Thank you for reading,
Friday, December 17, 2010
Dear Diary,
I am so comfortable right now that I don't want tomorrow to come. Inevitably, tomorrow will come and it'll be wonderful. I'll go to work and afterwards canoodle and watch a Woody Allen movie of my gentleman friend's choosing. There might even be popcorn, hey hey hey!
I have felt like I've been on vacation the past two days and it has been so nice. I don't think that it's attractive to complain about or that it makes me cool (because I know other people who do this and more) but I have been working a lot recently and I just hit a wall. The last day that I had off of work completely was Thanksgiving, and that day (while so much fun) I spent with someone else's family so it wasn't the most relaxing day I've ever experienced. I meant to keep going until Christmas Eve, but I was given a break and I am so grateful.
I am just so grateful right now for the amazing people in my life, and the wonderful people who are constantly introduced to it as well. When I go to work tomorrow I'll see all of my friends at a place that I'm incredibly comfortable at -- too comfortable... shhhh... never get too comfortable.
My housemates are so amazing, the past few nights I've been able to hang out with them, which has been so nice. Hannah and I sang carols on Wednesday and we all watched It's a Wonderful Life together, last night we had a Christmas party (I did not think to invite many people, but had a great time and we killed it in charades anyhow)... today I hung out in my bath robe most of the day... well, that's not entirely true, we went on a field trip to Hannah's work and saw the smallest raptor in America. We've had these just great, incredibly awesome English guys who are doing a months long road trip across America staying at our house since Wednesday night as well. There are three of them and they're very nice.
This post isn't really interesting or funny. Not that they ever are, but I usually have that hope. This time, I just want to remember how this feels later. We did a secret santa exchange--I tried to guess who everyone had, and Kari scolded me, "not very secret" when I made it clear that I brought the bag meant for Flo... Flo also had me and gave me the perfect gift of fizzy water and a huge salad bowl.
Next week it'll be Christmas! My brother and sister will be in town, I hope to see my cousins who live far away and other extended family members. I have not done any shopping. Except my sister's gift. Crap. I am pooped right now. I walked home from a very lovely party that I was incapable of socializing in. I'm hoping to watch 30 Rock or something after this. It'll be nice.
I feel like tomorrow it'll be back to reality, although I remind myself that that is not a bad thing. I'll be sorry to see our new friends go, but they are off to more adventures in much more exciting cities, and I consider it lucky that they ended up in our house in the first place.
I am happy. And so so tired. I need to come up with another plan. I want to. I am secretly, or not so secretly a very lazy person and feel like I am incapable of this much effort long term. But, another more rational voice tells me that I should buck up, I'm just tired and that things will feel more possible tomorrow. Living the sweet life. xoxo
I have felt like I've been on vacation the past two days and it has been so nice. I don't think that it's attractive to complain about or that it makes me cool (because I know other people who do this and more) but I have been working a lot recently and I just hit a wall. The last day that I had off of work completely was Thanksgiving, and that day (while so much fun) I spent with someone else's family so it wasn't the most relaxing day I've ever experienced. I meant to keep going until Christmas Eve, but I was given a break and I am so grateful.
I am just so grateful right now for the amazing people in my life, and the wonderful people who are constantly introduced to it as well. When I go to work tomorrow I'll see all of my friends at a place that I'm incredibly comfortable at -- too comfortable... shhhh... never get too comfortable.
My housemates are so amazing, the past few nights I've been able to hang out with them, which has been so nice. Hannah and I sang carols on Wednesday and we all watched It's a Wonderful Life together, last night we had a Christmas party (I did not think to invite many people, but had a great time and we killed it in charades anyhow)... today I hung out in my bath robe most of the day... well, that's not entirely true, we went on a field trip to Hannah's work and saw the smallest raptor in America. We've had these just great, incredibly awesome English guys who are doing a months long road trip across America staying at our house since Wednesday night as well. There are three of them and they're very nice.
This post isn't really interesting or funny. Not that they ever are, but I usually have that hope. This time, I just want to remember how this feels later. We did a secret santa exchange--I tried to guess who everyone had, and Kari scolded me, "not very secret" when I made it clear that I brought the bag meant for Flo... Flo also had me and gave me the perfect gift of fizzy water and a huge salad bowl.
Next week it'll be Christmas! My brother and sister will be in town, I hope to see my cousins who live far away and other extended family members. I have not done any shopping. Except my sister's gift. Crap. I am pooped right now. I walked home from a very lovely party that I was incapable of socializing in. I'm hoping to watch 30 Rock or something after this. It'll be nice.
I feel like tomorrow it'll be back to reality, although I remind myself that that is not a bad thing. I'll be sorry to see our new friends go, but they are off to more adventures in much more exciting cities, and I consider it lucky that they ended up in our house in the first place.
I am happy. And so so tired. I need to come up with another plan. I want to. I am secretly, or not so secretly a very lazy person and feel like I am incapable of this much effort long term. But, another more rational voice tells me that I should buck up, I'm just tired and that things will feel more possible tomorrow. Living the sweet life. xoxo
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Shadow of the future
I left work early tonight in order to catch the train before 10 pm-- otherwise I would have had to wait until 11:07 for my train home, making it a day where I leave my house at 8:30 am and do not return until 11:30 pm, possibly midnight if the train is late. Yet, even as I left work I felt wound-up like a top, and going to bed straight away seems impossible. Anxiety.
I think my housemates are out listening to jazz. The house is quiet, and I had expected there to be couchsurfers in our midst by the time I arrived. This week is too busy. Gloriously busy, I cannot complain, (but here I am) social engagements filling my not-abundant spare time.
This week I decided that I want to go to law school. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say these things, although I still get excited at the prospect of long term plans. Since graduating college I have been completely serious when I told people that I would: move to Seattle (I did, for five or six months), be an au pair in Turkey (I was for three weeks), join the Coast Guard (I was thisclose), move to San Francisco (nope), become a nurse (community college is ridiculous right now. I got zero classes. I also had this plan too late for the impacted registration process), become a stand-up comedian (I really told people this. Really.), become an accountant (the school I was going to go to-- fast track-- was super expensive and has been accused of recruiting/exploiting homeless people)... and now I'm claiming that I want to go to law school. And really dream of being Tina Fey. Or some other amazingly funny/smart/cool writer/actor/whatever.
Hmmmmmph. This might be cute if I were ten years old. or barbie. "I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter (I forgot! I at one time claimed to want to be a firefighter! holy sh*t.)..." It brings me much anxiety.
Tonight I don't want to be anything. I want to keep living at my house, keep seeing the nice boy, keep working my jobs. Because I think that if I wasn't worried about money I'd still want to live in my house, and still like mostly everything about my life. I just wouldn't be trying to put a band-aid on my worried mind. Or I would be. who knows. My sister, she is so together, and she is the same way. Not quite as flighty, but she has the same concerns. It's the age.
Oh, people are home now. Neat!
Moments ago: My housemates replaced my lost copy of It's A Wonderful Life! My favorite movie! They bought it for me and stuck it under our tiny live Christmas tree (they decorated the house to be so lovely while I was at work the other day). I thanked them profusely, and they said they did it for the "same selfish reason everyone gives gifts, to see the happiness on your face" <-- what they actually said was much more funny, but it was lost to me immediately when I planned to remember it. GOOD NIGHT!
I think my housemates are out listening to jazz. The house is quiet, and I had expected there to be couchsurfers in our midst by the time I arrived. This week is too busy. Gloriously busy, I cannot complain, (but here I am) social engagements filling my not-abundant spare time.
This week I decided that I want to go to law school. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say these things, although I still get excited at the prospect of long term plans. Since graduating college I have been completely serious when I told people that I would: move to Seattle (I did, for five or six months), be an au pair in Turkey (I was for three weeks), join the Coast Guard (I was thisclose), move to San Francisco (nope), become a nurse (community college is ridiculous right now. I got zero classes. I also had this plan too late for the impacted registration process), become a stand-up comedian (I really told people this. Really.), become an accountant (the school I was going to go to-- fast track-- was super expensive and has been accused of recruiting/exploiting homeless people)... and now I'm claiming that I want to go to law school. And really dream of being Tina Fey. Or some other amazingly funny/smart/cool writer/actor/whatever.
Hmmmmmph. This might be cute if I were ten years old. or barbie. "I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter (I forgot! I at one time claimed to want to be a firefighter! holy sh*t.)..." It brings me much anxiety.
Tonight I don't want to be anything. I want to keep living at my house, keep seeing the nice boy, keep working my jobs. Because I think that if I wasn't worried about money I'd still want to live in my house, and still like mostly everything about my life. I just wouldn't be trying to put a band-aid on my worried mind. Or I would be. who knows. My sister, she is so together, and she is the same way. Not quite as flighty, but she has the same concerns. It's the age.
Oh, people are home now. Neat!
Moments ago: My housemates replaced my lost copy of It's A Wonderful Life! My favorite movie! They bought it for me and stuck it under our tiny live Christmas tree (they decorated the house to be so lovely while I was at work the other day). I thanked them profusely, and they said they did it for the "same selfish reason everyone gives gifts, to see the happiness on your face" <-- what they actually said was much more funny, but it was lost to me immediately when I planned to remember it. GOOD NIGHT!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
mama and carl
Growing up I had cable. and braces.and went to Disneyland-- more than once. Yet somehow I am under the impression that I was deprived in my childhood. I know that it is absurd. I never went hungry. There was never a space left bare under the Christmas tree. I at one time had forty barbie dolls, before I decided that sixth graders are too old for those friends and regretfully retired the camp to the garage. My allowance was a pittance, but as I am aware, under a certain age I was not required rent, nor heat, nor charge for sustenance. I have come to the conclusion that my parents wanted to give the world to me, and when this was of course impossible, my head confused all of the details and the intent, only to be sorted out when I ask nothing of them but love.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Never buy retail wholesale. Jib jab, scalliwag.
A wise person would tell you that no matter how good a deal something is, you shouldn't buy it if you cannot afford to spend the money. Today was a day of frugality that would make Mr. Scrooge himself blush! Or some other famous cheapskake; I shorted the circuit for our internet connection downstairs and in the time that I ate my dinner and my housemate set us up with another connection I have somewhat lost my gusto for writing this. But I was so excited-- deals, get 'em while they're hot! So I'm going to try to continue.That and even though it's not yet 9 pm I want to go to sleep, but I have to wait for my clothes to dry in our somewhat busted dryer.
The first steal of the day was an unexpected one. I was baking cookies and I cracked open an egg, and lo and behold, there were two yolks for the price of one! "It's a twin, like me!" I proclaimed, before I realized that the yolk is actually the food and not the chicken-- so, really I should have thought, "This unborn chicken loved to eat, just like me!"
I love going to the grocery store for many reasons. It's a type of shopping that doesn't depress me or fill me with the rabid need to consume. I think I'm doing just fine, I have all I need, and all of a sudden I wander upon some leggings at Target and I start thinking about how the Man is always keeping me down, and when will I ever have money? and why, oh why do we live in a society where our economic structure is one of feeding parasites, bleeding our Mother dry... *ahem*
But everyone's gotta eat, right? And there's nothing like buying greens and beans to make me feel like I'm doing something good for myself, aaaaaaalright. I love co-ops, although now I'm torn about membership, but blah blah blah, that's another story for, never because it's super boring and you don't want to hear it anyway. So.
I just got a phone call. It might be time for me to go. It's disrupting my flow. I don't think I'm done.
I come from an established line of thrifty ladies. My mama and my nana before her have long emphasized the merits of good deal. My (twin) sister (like the egg!) has always understood value of a dollar. Not I. I would spend my allowance straight away on Quints (dolls), or other toys that I could nurture, my stand-in for real friends, which I had very few actual of until college. Those were boon years for me. What was I talking about, deals? Oh god, I really have lost all interest in this topic. So, anywho, I went to a conventional grocery store (Safeway) which is not my favorite place. I do appreciate their playing of Christmas music. This is only because I love Christmas music and rarely listen to the radio, not because I'm one of those freaks who think there is some corporate conspiracy to make everyone forget about the miracle birth of the baby Jesus (and assume that belief is something that should be casually foisted upon everyone, everywhere. Just sayin).
So, I was shopping at Safeway and I bought some mousse that I don't think has butane in it, but really that's anyone's guess. Scary. I only went to Safeway because I wanted generic cough medicine. I'm a wimp. I take the hard stuff. I wish I were more natural. I try. If I ever give birth I might take the drugs. Who knows?
I got a toothbrush, on sale (really? $3 for a toothbrush? That's highway robbery!), I bought some $4 wine on sale for $2. Guess how delicious that was? I'll give you a hint: Charles Shaw would have wept.
When I got home my housemates had taken a trip to Costco and came in just after me. Oh, weren't they delighted with the cheese, and the... the beer. That's what I remember them talking about. And someone mentioned that there was whiskey at Costco and I thought, "why didn't I go to Costco?"
Why not? Because I was being a humble cookie troll, delivering cookies that I baked this afternoon for someone I love. And that is the end of my stream of consciousness. Thank you for reading, if you kept reading once it became clear that I had very little to actually say about white hot deals. xoxoxo
The first steal of the day was an unexpected one. I was baking cookies and I cracked open an egg, and lo and behold, there were two yolks for the price of one! "It's a twin, like me!" I proclaimed, before I realized that the yolk is actually the food and not the chicken-- so, really I should have thought, "This unborn chicken loved to eat, just like me!"
I love going to the grocery store for many reasons. It's a type of shopping that doesn't depress me or fill me with the rabid need to consume. I think I'm doing just fine, I have all I need, and all of a sudden I wander upon some leggings at Target and I start thinking about how the Man is always keeping me down, and when will I ever have money? and why, oh why do we live in a society where our economic structure is one of feeding parasites, bleeding our Mother dry... *ahem*
But everyone's gotta eat, right? And there's nothing like buying greens and beans to make me feel like I'm doing something good for myself, aaaaaaalright. I love co-ops, although now I'm torn about membership, but blah blah blah, that's another story for, never because it's super boring and you don't want to hear it anyway. So.
I just got a phone call. It might be time for me to go. It's disrupting my flow. I don't think I'm done.
I come from an established line of thrifty ladies. My mama and my nana before her have long emphasized the merits of good deal. My (twin) sister (like the egg!) has always understood value of a dollar. Not I. I would spend my allowance straight away on Quints (dolls), or other toys that I could nurture, my stand-in for real friends, which I had very few actual of until college. Those were boon years for me. What was I talking about, deals? Oh god, I really have lost all interest in this topic. So, anywho, I went to a conventional grocery store (Safeway) which is not my favorite place. I do appreciate their playing of Christmas music. This is only because I love Christmas music and rarely listen to the radio, not because I'm one of those freaks who think there is some corporate conspiracy to make everyone forget about the miracle birth of the baby Jesus (and assume that belief is something that should be casually foisted upon everyone, everywhere. Just sayin).
So, I was shopping at Safeway and I bought some mousse that I don't think has butane in it, but really that's anyone's guess. Scary. I only went to Safeway because I wanted generic cough medicine. I'm a wimp. I take the hard stuff. I wish I were more natural. I try. If I ever give birth I might take the drugs. Who knows?
I got a toothbrush, on sale (really? $3 for a toothbrush? That's highway robbery!), I bought some $4 wine on sale for $2. Guess how delicious that was? I'll give you a hint: Charles Shaw would have wept.
When I got home my housemates had taken a trip to Costco and came in just after me. Oh, weren't they delighted with the cheese, and the... the beer. That's what I remember them talking about. And someone mentioned that there was whiskey at Costco and I thought, "why didn't I go to Costco?"
Why not? Because I was being a humble cookie troll, delivering cookies that I baked this afternoon for someone I love. And that is the end of my stream of consciousness. Thank you for reading, if you kept reading once it became clear that I had very little to actually say about white hot deals. xoxoxo
Saturday, November 27, 2010
a thousand-million
"By thirty you'll be about perfect." This was the prophecy of my next door neighbor as I was growing up. He was a soccer coach to my sister and the father in one of the best families I think has ever existed. I suspected he was a secret CIA agent. He spoke 13 languages and lived in the suburbs teaching ESL? I didn't think so. Not because it was a waste of talent (it's not), but because I have a suspicious mind. That family seemed too perfect: hilarious genius kids, the mom that hosted Bible study, the dad that was very family oriented... anywho, I love them, and I now doubt that he was a secret agent. But he could have been if he had different priorities... they were/are amazing people.
In my twenties I think of that incredibly off-the-cuff remark he once made. He probably doesn't even remember it, yet it's one of those things that I've internalized as Truth with little inspection, like how I sometimes believe that my soul mate's name starts with a certain letter, like when you're a kid and you twist an apple stem and begin the alphabet "a, b,c, etc" and whatever letter you stop on when the stem rips off will be your true love. So, somehow this is a truth I've come to believe in, or at least casts doubt to my adult reality: I will fall in love with ---- (wasn't that a movie starring Robert Downey Jr and Marisa Tomei?) and I will reach my apex at thirty.
All signs tell me that this will not be true. I am a late bloomer, and while I think that I have shown improvement in recent years the prospect of perfection by thirty is bleak. I probably was latching onto any amount of encouragement that I'd turn out alright, self-loathing teenager that I was. Alls I knows is, I plan to stay aboard the diet train,yet I've never taken to the gym, and apparently I've stopped reading books (I'm not sure why this happened, I always loved to read before college), but I have a greater appreciation for my friends and family all of the time. It's a mixed bag I'd say. We will see. I know that the love of my life is probably not predictably determined by the sturdiness of an apple stem, but it continues to be a thought that pops into my head whenever I am confronted with the terrifying unlimited possibilities of what the unknown future might contain. Goodnight!
In my twenties I think of that incredibly off-the-cuff remark he once made. He probably doesn't even remember it, yet it's one of those things that I've internalized as Truth with little inspection, like how I sometimes believe that my soul mate's name starts with a certain letter, like when you're a kid and you twist an apple stem and begin the alphabet "a, b,c, etc" and whatever letter you stop on when the stem rips off will be your true love. So, somehow this is a truth I've come to believe in, or at least casts doubt to my adult reality: I will fall in love with ---- (wasn't that a movie starring Robert Downey Jr and Marisa Tomei?) and I will reach my apex at thirty.
All signs tell me that this will not be true. I am a late bloomer, and while I think that I have shown improvement in recent years the prospect of perfection by thirty is bleak. I probably was latching onto any amount of encouragement that I'd turn out alright, self-loathing teenager that I was. Alls I knows is, I plan to stay aboard the diet train,yet I've never taken to the gym, and apparently I've stopped reading books (I'm not sure why this happened, I always loved to read before college), but I have a greater appreciation for my friends and family all of the time. It's a mixed bag I'd say. We will see. I know that the love of my life is probably not predictably determined by the sturdiness of an apple stem, but it continues to be a thought that pops into my head whenever I am confronted with the terrifying unlimited possibilities of what the unknown future might contain. Goodnight!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Bon Jovi, IS it my life?
I have just cleaned the bathroom. As I emerged from the bleach cave (shower), worried about blinding myself from stray droplets of Clorox I proclaimed "IT IS GOOD." I don't mind cleaning the bathroom. It's a'ight, not the best chore, not the worst chore. What is the best chore? Doing the dishes. The worst chore? Cleaning my room. Cleaning the bathroom gets an average grade, or maybe a B-.
I had an awful day yesterday. Today was a better day than yesterday was, and this morning I ate shit on my bike outside of my office building. I had to go home and change my clothes that were all messed up by sliding on the wet pavement. I had a headache all day because I hit my head on the ground (I know, I'm lucky it was just a headache. I need to find my helmet and start wearing it... this is my third close call on my bike). A jar of hot coffee broke in my purse and I cut my thumb a little as I fished out the shards of glass. My phone went kaput as a result of being drenched in coffee... luckily I have a spare. I was a little bit scared and a little bit horrified by it all.
Nothing particularly good happened today. I went back to work and felt semi-competent, which is great considering I'm new and I have major anxiety about everything in my life, this part included. I rode along while my housemate and her boyfriend were dropped off at the airport. I love the airport. This is probably because I'm not well traveled, but any sort of transportation; plane, train, greyhound (*shudder* I'll take the dirty dog if it means I'm in motion) is so wonderful.
However, I was there to keep the driver company, not off to any exciting adventure. Today was, eh. I ate two and a half heads of lettuce. I sat on my bed and drooled a while. You know, stuff. It's so weird. I can't understand it.
I'm glad that today was boring and felt pretty okay. I credit this to being well rested. It's going to be a cold one tonight. I'm bundling into my saucy blue bathrobe and calling it a day. November 23, 2010, I plan to never live it again. Thanks for the non-memories.
I had an awful day yesterday. Today was a better day than yesterday was, and this morning I ate shit on my bike outside of my office building. I had to go home and change my clothes that were all messed up by sliding on the wet pavement. I had a headache all day because I hit my head on the ground (I know, I'm lucky it was just a headache. I need to find my helmet and start wearing it... this is my third close call on my bike). A jar of hot coffee broke in my purse and I cut my thumb a little as I fished out the shards of glass. My phone went kaput as a result of being drenched in coffee... luckily I have a spare. I was a little bit scared and a little bit horrified by it all.
Nothing particularly good happened today. I went back to work and felt semi-competent, which is great considering I'm new and I have major anxiety about everything in my life, this part included. I rode along while my housemate and her boyfriend were dropped off at the airport. I love the airport. This is probably because I'm not well traveled, but any sort of transportation; plane, train, greyhound (*shudder* I'll take the dirty dog if it means I'm in motion) is so wonderful.
However, I was there to keep the driver company, not off to any exciting adventure. Today was, eh. I ate two and a half heads of lettuce. I sat on my bed and drooled a while. You know, stuff. It's so weird. I can't understand it.
I'm glad that today was boring and felt pretty okay. I credit this to being well rested. It's going to be a cold one tonight. I'm bundling into my saucy blue bathrobe and calling it a day. November 23, 2010, I plan to never live it again. Thanks for the non-memories.
Monday, November 22, 2010
That creepy feeling
Tonight I am bothered by that creepy feeling that I sometimes get. You know the one, where you end up sleeping with the lights on because you're sure that the light will protect you from all of the scary things in the dark? No? I was afraid of the dark for many years... actually I am probably still afraid of the dark, I just am able to fall asleep without a night-light now. I was a bed wetter too, but we don't need to discuss that, although I do have a nifty vocab word for you: enuresis. Neat! Another you might enjoy is dendrophilia (nothing related to my own interests there, I assure you).
Anywho, I hate that creepy feeling. It is a reminder that I don't need that there are bad people in this world who do not nice things to innocent people. For the same reason I hate scary movies. I don't need my imagination to be running wild at midnight, thank you. I used to frequent the website "crime library" and read about serial killers- what was I thinking!-- morbid curiosity perhaps, and a terrible idea. I regularly have bad dreams, which is not a direct result, but I'm just saying that my brain comes up with the scaries on its own... which is one of the reasons that I never want to live in a big house because big houses are so creepy at night. It's true.
When I was younger I was afraid of sharks in the bathtub after I saw the movie Jaws (I was not the smartest kid) and was sure that the shadows outside of my window were vampires. My babysitter once told me a ghost story and I was scared for weeks. My poor sister, we shared a room and besides being a slob I wanted to sleep with the light on every night. So my fear has deep roots, you see.
I'm a weenie. That's my point. Point made. I don't want to be jumpy at every noise. I am going to bed and hope to dream about food or boys or traveling and not the apocalypse, rejection, or home invasions.
From Marge Simpson to you (as told by Nick to me):
Anywho, I hate that creepy feeling. It is a reminder that I don't need that there are bad people in this world who do not nice things to innocent people. For the same reason I hate scary movies. I don't need my imagination to be running wild at midnight, thank you. I used to frequent the website "crime library" and read about serial killers- what was I thinking!-- morbid curiosity perhaps, and a terrible idea. I regularly have bad dreams, which is not a direct result, but I'm just saying that my brain comes up with the scaries on its own... which is one of the reasons that I never want to live in a big house because big houses are so creepy at night. It's true.
When I was younger I was afraid of sharks in the bathtub after I saw the movie Jaws (I was not the smartest kid) and was sure that the shadows outside of my window were vampires. My babysitter once told me a ghost story and I was scared for weeks. My poor sister, we shared a room and besides being a slob I wanted to sleep with the light on every night. So my fear has deep roots, you see.
I'm a weenie. That's my point. Point made. I don't want to be jumpy at every noise. I am going to bed and hope to dream about food or boys or traveling and not the apocalypse, rejection, or home invasions.
From Marge Simpson to you (as told by Nick to me):
All aboard the sleepy train
To visit Mother Goose.
Barty's stop is Snoozyland
To rest his sweet caboose.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
My friend Morgan:
If you are my friend, I have to sing your praises. This is not only because you listen to and share with me, or like me in general (although, thank you) it's easy because my friends are so wonderful, and smart and funny and cool... and I don't mean to treat friendship like it's a commodity that somehow makes me more wonderful or smart or funny or cool... okay, sometimes I do feel more cool because my friends are so cool. It's silly. But that is my failing and in no way detracts from anyone else's awesomeness. MY BRAIN!
Ugh, I don't actually want to write anything myself. I wanted to share something that my friend Morgan wrote that I like very much. I had the good fortune of meeting Morgan right before he moved to Georgia (*hint* to criminals who want to steal my identity or otherwise harm me, I don't live there. Sorry Morgan, now they know! Fact: there is a Springfield in every state in the Union. But, of course, you already knew that). Morgan is awesome. I need to go to bed so that I will be a productive little worker bee *adooorable* tomorrow and will leave you with this, rather than blah blah blah-ing and bad bad writing.
I think this began with me bragging that I had stopped crying in public, or at least at work. This may not translate, but this was his response and it made me very happy:
by Morgan
Impossible pursuits:
-Stop falling asleep (at night)
-Stop sneezing (in spring)
-Stop touching other people's shirts (while hugging them)
-Stop eating soup (out of bowls)
-Stop crying in front of strangers (at work)
Ugh, I don't actually want to write anything myself. I wanted to share something that my friend Morgan wrote that I like very much. I had the good fortune of meeting Morgan right before he moved to Georgia (*hint* to criminals who want to steal my identity or otherwise harm me, I don't live there. Sorry Morgan, now they know! Fact: there is a Springfield in every state in the Union. But, of course, you already knew that). Morgan is awesome. I need to go to bed so that I will be a productive little worker bee *adooorable* tomorrow and will leave you with this, rather than blah blah blah-ing and bad bad writing.
I think this began with me bragging that I had stopped crying in public, or at least at work. This may not translate, but this was his response and it made me very happy:
by Morgan
Impossible pursuits:
-Stop falling asleep (at night)
-Stop sneezing (in spring)
-Stop touching other people's shirts (while hugging them)
-Stop eating soup (out of bowls)
-Stop crying in front of strangers (at work)
Monday, November 15, 2010
My gold tooth!
Today was soooooo good. I went to the dentist and it was awesome.
I had cavities. Let us be open and honest to begin with. I have been avoiding going to the dentist for some time now. Although I have consistently had health insurance for most of my twenties (I know, I'm super lucky) I put it off because I was so afraid that even with health insurance I wouldn't be able to afford to fix my broken, disgusting mouth (who wants a kiss?). So, jerk that I am, I had not been to the dentist for awhile.
Luckily, I am surrounded by wonderful people who think that I am neurotic and encouraged me to take my head out of the sand and see what's really going on (really they are wonderful people if they know that I'm paralyzed by the thought of going to the dentist and they still love me and don't just grab me and shake me and say, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ACT LIKE AN ADULT").
I made an appointment and literally until the dentist did not tell me, "we will have to perform procedures that cost thousands of dollars that you cannot afford, or maybe you should just get dentures, which are still expensive, but problem solved. Viola!" I was sure that this was a possible outcome. I was scared. But, I am facing my fears lately and went made that appointment anyway. And now a huge weight has been lifted.
Oh my, thank goodness I have health insurance. More than once this year it has saved me from financial ruin. I was talking to my housemate Hannah (pronounced Hawn-uh, not Hann-ah. Do not forget this. She acts like it's cool if you do, but it's not!) I was talking to Hannah and we agreed that when we and our friends are really excited about the opportunity to see a doctor something is clearly wrong with the system-- not a secret.
I love visiting the dentist. My previous dentist was a kindly old man who had been my dentist since I was in elementary school. By the way, I know this is not how a person is supposed to write. If this were a paper I wouldn't be so lax. But it's just us gabbin', right? Right! Anywho, my old dentist was awesome, but I don't have a car and his office is located out of town. He was a nice man, but I was so worried that he would think that I was incredibly irresponsible in caring for my teeth. And how did I thank him? He lost a customer :(
My new dentist is very nice. He is in the same building, I realized, as my very charming optometrist. His hygienist initially made me very uncomfortable because she kept praising me and telling me to, "close your beautiful eyes again" while she was doing the x-rays. But, she did make me feel like I aced my dental exam, all because I didn't complain or squirm. And she didn't scold me when I admitted to not flossing. Unafraid of my new dentist's judgment I told him my concerns (not about the dentures) outright and asked immediately about billing.
So, my teeth were kinda janky. That I was rightfully concern about. However, it was not nearly as bad as I had imagined. And while what I had to pay is more than I want to afford, I can afford it and it is worth it. Done.
I did feel a little like I was playing a game at being as polite as I possibly could be. Do you ever do that? Just get joy about using your good manners. Sometimes I feel like because I'm tired or hungry or disappointed with life my manners aren't wonderful. And I feel like a jerk, because I'm acting like one But I do sometimes get a kick out of feeling like I'm acting in exactly the right way, in treating people who are doing their job with courtesy and respect. Then I feel disingenuous, like I'm just being nice because I want people to think I'm nice... and that was my trip to the dentist. Thanks!
I had cavities. Let us be open and honest to begin with. I have been avoiding going to the dentist for some time now. Although I have consistently had health insurance for most of my twenties (I know, I'm super lucky) I put it off because I was so afraid that even with health insurance I wouldn't be able to afford to fix my broken, disgusting mouth (who wants a kiss?). So, jerk that I am, I had not been to the dentist for awhile.
Luckily, I am surrounded by wonderful people who think that I am neurotic and encouraged me to take my head out of the sand and see what's really going on (really they are wonderful people if they know that I'm paralyzed by the thought of going to the dentist and they still love me and don't just grab me and shake me and say, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ACT LIKE AN ADULT").
I made an appointment and literally until the dentist did not tell me, "we will have to perform procedures that cost thousands of dollars that you cannot afford, or maybe you should just get dentures, which are still expensive, but problem solved. Viola!" I was sure that this was a possible outcome. I was scared. But, I am facing my fears lately and went made that appointment anyway. And now a huge weight has been lifted.
Oh my, thank goodness I have health insurance. More than once this year it has saved me from financial ruin. I was talking to my housemate Hannah (pronounced Hawn-uh, not Hann-ah. Do not forget this. She acts like it's cool if you do, but it's not!) I was talking to Hannah and we agreed that when we and our friends are really excited about the opportunity to see a doctor something is clearly wrong with the system-- not a secret.
I love visiting the dentist. My previous dentist was a kindly old man who had been my dentist since I was in elementary school. By the way, I know this is not how a person is supposed to write. If this were a paper I wouldn't be so lax. But it's just us gabbin', right? Right! Anywho, my old dentist was awesome, but I don't have a car and his office is located out of town. He was a nice man, but I was so worried that he would think that I was incredibly irresponsible in caring for my teeth. And how did I thank him? He lost a customer :(
My new dentist is very nice. He is in the same building, I realized, as my very charming optometrist. His hygienist initially made me very uncomfortable because she kept praising me and telling me to, "close your beautiful eyes again" while she was doing the x-rays. But, she did make me feel like I aced my dental exam, all because I didn't complain or squirm. And she didn't scold me when I admitted to not flossing. Unafraid of my new dentist's judgment I told him my concerns (not about the dentures) outright and asked immediately about billing.
So, my teeth were kinda janky. That I was rightfully concern about. However, it was not nearly as bad as I had imagined. And while what I had to pay is more than I want to afford, I can afford it and it is worth it. Done.
I did feel a little like I was playing a game at being as polite as I possibly could be. Do you ever do that? Just get joy about using your good manners. Sometimes I feel like because I'm tired or hungry or disappointed with life my manners aren't wonderful. And I feel like a jerk, because I'm acting like one But I do sometimes get a kick out of feeling like I'm acting in exactly the right way, in treating people who are doing their job with courtesy and respect. Then I feel disingenuous, like I'm just being nice because I want people to think I'm nice... and that was my trip to the dentist. Thanks!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
this is it
I am incredibly bored and am trying to accomplish something other than going to the store and buying booze tonight. I have boxes and boxes of books just waiting to be read, but tonight I’ve been lazing around, checking Facebook… thinking about going to bed even though it’s not yet 9 pm. This is the problem with winter. I welcome the rain (intermittently) and the cold, but the lack of light kills me.
Tomorrow night we are throwing a going away dinner for one of my best friends, who is moving semi-permanently to Deutschland and getting married. I am conflicted; very sorry for my loss, incredibly jealous that she is moving to Germany, and very happy that she is marrying a wonderful man whom I like very much. (Who? Whom? WHO? Object… subject… predicate… f*ckate)
Meg is an incredibly funny, awesome (dude!), loyal friend who I met when we both transferred to college and became roommates through a mutual friend. Now she is getting married. And having babies soon too, most likely. That is what she wants and it makes total sense and I am so delighted for her. I remind myself that while moving to Germany sounds like a grand adventure *so jealous* she is actually pretty well acquainted with the place, having lived there before and speaks the language fluently too. She’s cool. Rather than being the exotic-teutonic jaunt I dream of, she will actually be nestling into domestic life, continuing to work hard, planning to raise a family. That (I am so self-involved) is my problem. I don’t want to live real life. I want to live life on vacation, and as long as things are not constantly changing or improving I will never be satisfied. Germany, beautiful Germany, you are so far out of my grasp and perfect in my mind.
I guess we are of the age where getting married and having kids is totally normal. I don’t question anyone’s desire for those things. It all seems perfectly reasonable. However, I am a lady cannot conceive of it right now. I like the idea of wanting to marry someone. I think it’d be neat to have someone want to marry me (if he’s a thinking man, what a compliment!). However the execution sounds messy. Maybe it’s, no probably, it’s because I have only recently felt at all capable of taking care of myself. I don’t think that I would have to take care of my partner, but I know that my partner should not have to take care of me. That would be unfortunate and unworkable. Basically, it’s a huge, huge deal and while it’s fun to get silly and romantic, the idea of marrying someone is terrifying. Word!
And so with a heavy heart I bid Meg adieu. She is an incredibly capable person who is moving onto the next stage of her life. I only hope that in the coming months and years I can get my you-know-what together enough to visit her. She works hard to make the things that she wants become reality. She has more than once worked two jobs in order to save money. She has spent months at a time away from her fiancé. She spent a year baby-sitting bratty kids to be able to stay in the country. She’s neat. I will miss her.
*people come and people go, what are you going to do about it? This used to be much harder for me, as people I love seem to move away every few months. I’ve adjusted slightly.
Tomorrow night we are throwing a going away dinner for one of my best friends, who is moving semi-permanently to Deutschland and getting married. I am conflicted; very sorry for my loss, incredibly jealous that she is moving to Germany, and very happy that she is marrying a wonderful man whom I like very much. (Who? Whom? WHO? Object… subject… predicate… f*ckate)
Meg is an incredibly funny, awesome (dude!), loyal friend who I met when we both transferred to college and became roommates through a mutual friend. Now she is getting married. And having babies soon too, most likely. That is what she wants and it makes total sense and I am so delighted for her. I remind myself that while moving to Germany sounds like a grand adventure *so jealous* she is actually pretty well acquainted with the place, having lived there before and speaks the language fluently too. She’s cool. Rather than being the exotic-teutonic jaunt I dream of, she will actually be nestling into domestic life, continuing to work hard, planning to raise a family. That (I am so self-involved) is my problem. I don’t want to live real life. I want to live life on vacation, and as long as things are not constantly changing or improving I will never be satisfied. Germany, beautiful Germany, you are so far out of my grasp and perfect in my mind.
I guess we are of the age where getting married and having kids is totally normal. I don’t question anyone’s desire for those things. It all seems perfectly reasonable. However, I am a lady cannot conceive of it right now. I like the idea of wanting to marry someone. I think it’d be neat to have someone want to marry me (if he’s a thinking man, what a compliment!). However the execution sounds messy. Maybe it’s, no probably, it’s because I have only recently felt at all capable of taking care of myself. I don’t think that I would have to take care of my partner, but I know that my partner should not have to take care of me. That would be unfortunate and unworkable. Basically, it’s a huge, huge deal and while it’s fun to get silly and romantic, the idea of marrying someone is terrifying. Word!
And so with a heavy heart I bid Meg adieu. She is an incredibly capable person who is moving onto the next stage of her life. I only hope that in the coming months and years I can get my you-know-what together enough to visit her. She works hard to make the things that she wants become reality. She has more than once worked two jobs in order to save money. She has spent months at a time away from her fiancé. She spent a year baby-sitting bratty kids to be able to stay in the country. She’s neat. I will miss her.
*people come and people go, what are you going to do about it? This used to be much harder for me, as people I love seem to move away every few months. I’ve adjusted slightly.
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