Tomorrow, or I guess today (at this late hour) is New Year's Eve. 2010 is ending. My oh my.
I used to come up with a list of New Year's Resolutions about 10 deep. Usually the first would be to lose some serious weight. I've given up on that, let me tell you. I've accepted that I would not be doing it in a way that would be healthy or accounting for the heaviness of my future/imagined bulging muscles that would come with working out consistently. (I want to be ballerina sized. I also want to be freakishly strong. I want to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer?-- NERD)
I would also resolve to study another language (to be bilingual!), followed by a resolution for better personal habits. You know, keeping my room clean, being nicer, etc. Basically delineating the qualities of the perfect person I wish to be and setting myself up to fail.
So, this year... I don't know. I've scrapped this resolution thing in the recent past, feeling like I already want to strive to be better all of the time without this silly timeline that New Year's Eve causes me and others to self-impose. My feeling is that people will only change when they are ready to, for good or ill. I am far from a disciplined person, but I have been able to be disciplined in certain areas of my life when I felt that I was ready. This coming year I think will be a continuing quest (half-hearted, though far from disinterested ) to think up what my future could look like, and what I need to do (funds, courage, work. and above all gumption) to get there. That's another thought I've had recently. Who knows what the future looks like, but I'm glad that I was at least raised with the thought that if I work hard I should be able to achieve some tangible dreams. That seems like it is less true for many people these days, but I've spent a good 25 years believing that and that's better than a lot of people get. Ho hum. I say this, but really I have some ridiculous expectations, or low expectations but a crazy entitlement complex. Maybe this is it. End.
I don't know. I guess I would like to resolve to be neater, but that seems unlikely to occur (until I'm ready? ha!). I think it's really unattractive to be an adult and to be a slob. But since I was a little kid, my room has been in a state of chaos, mounds of clean laundry, unmade bed, general clutter. The past few places I've lived I haven't even bothered unpacking boxes of books and other junk that makes me wonder why I have all of this sh*t to begin with. I have devised a method for sorting my clean clothes from the dirty: the clean clothes are piled at the foot of my mattress. The dirty clothes are shoved behind boxes on the other side of the room. There is nothing gross, no moldy food on old dishes, no funky broccoli smell (there was a period of my life...), but clutter, clutter everywhere.
Maybe this year I will resolve to do some form of exercise (real. the kind where I'd sweat) every day. Will this happen? Maybe to commit to this I also need to resolve to spend more time in the nude. Is that shallow? Of course. Should I resolve to read more? To be kinder? Meh. There is so much to improve upon, for everyone. Can you imagine that if people, like they binge eat before New Year's in preparation for their resolution diets, went around being jerks to everyone, preparing for the upcoming year's improved attitude?
Happy New Year! Here's hoping that you are safe, fulfilled and loved in the coming year. And I wish that I had a joke to finish this with. Good luck!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It's a small world after all... (such an obvious title)
I don't believe in fate, but that isn't to say that I do believe in no fate (???), just that I am not in any definite camp and if someone asked me I'd be like, "no, I don't." Beautiful. Bill Shakespeare couldn't have said it better (how well read am I that I also come up with the most obvious writer for my self-deprecating statements. get on with it!). Yes.
I am however, interested in coincidences. Coincidences are much easier to come by and less nebulous, especially if you live in the same area for most of your life. Tonight I was sitting, talking with my housemates, when I saw a photograph of my housemate's friend on her computer and what looked like a good friend of mine, taken in another city. Both her friend and mine grew up in different cities, so they had clearly met recently. Then I realized that my brother was also in the photograph (less of a coincidence here, my friend Nathan is also my brother's friend Nathan, and also roommate). It turns out that Nathan and my housemate Sydney's friend both used to work together.
Not less than a half an hour later I realized that a girl from my neighborhood, whom I went to high school and college with-- who I had been randomly and unrelatedly looking at a photo of from an old shoebox of pictures moments earlier-- has a little brother that works with my other housemate. We were talking about her work place and suddenly I realized that that young man I saw behind the counter was Anna's brother. I have never met him. I visited my housemate's workplace the first and only time earlier this week, and it was his first day volunteering there from my understanding. We were just talking about her work and I remembered his face and I asked if he had an older sister, and I believe it is Anna. And I am correct!
This doesn't sound so odd, but the two incidences occurring in such a short time frame made me think about connections. This sort of thing happens. I moved into my house and eventually discovered that another of my housemates lived in the dorms with my old coworker. They went to Stanford. He is from L.A. She is from Brooklyn. We live in none of those places. They both ended up in this area and I befriended them both. He moved away and we stopped working together and then Diana moved in to our house.
I feel like I'm belaboring these details (UNDERSTAND ME! UNDERSTAND ME!), but as a person who does not believe in fate, I do wonder about coincidence. There are some people who are everywhere, and then they are gone. Like when I transferred to university at the same time as this guy Dan, with whom I went to community college. At first I saw him everywhere, and we kept getting classes together, and then at Christmas, amongst thousands of people i ran into him in Disneyland with his girlfriend. Neither of us lived in Southern California. And then I never saw him around anywhere. Why did I see him so much for a while and then in another city? And then nowhere? Hmmm? HMMM?
Or, when I saw my friend Magnus in Munich and didn't really get to say goodbye to him, and then took a five hour train ride to Trier (where he, admittedly was supposed to be the next day, still...) and I saw Magnus a few days later in that town, having dinner with some friends. It was not such a small town that it was just bound to happen. It was wonderful.
I'm sure that there are other examples, as I'm sure you have in your own life. One more: When I moved to Seattle I became friends with this guy that worked at a donut shop that I frequented. I mean, I went there everyday. I am disgusting. I was so happy! Anywho, I met this guy and we became friends and I discovered after a short while that: we are both twins (like he has a twin brother, I have a twin sister), both of our twin siblings studied psychology, he and I both studied International Relations, he participated in Model E.U. in college, I did Model U.N., we were both baptized as Lutherans, we both can do the same creepy slow wink with our eyes...
Oh! And when I was working at a coffee shop in Seattle I saw this woman who looked familiar and just guessed while taking her order that her husband was a man that I knew and really liked who shopped at a grocery store that I worked/work at in California, whom I remembered had moved to Seattle months before I did... and there have been other times where I have been seen people out of context in different cities... like my friend Jeff walking down the street in San Francisco while I was driving with my family... (these are all confirmed sightings by the way).
I don't feel like I'm making too much out of this, because beyond blogging (*gulp*) about these things, I generally forget them as soon as they happen. I might sounds like an idiot for thinking about this so much... I just wonder why that happens. Or how often it really does happen, we just don't recognize the people that it's happening with, like Marge Elliot, whom I've never met and she and I keep crossing paths, but neither of us are aware that it's happening.
I also liked learning that a perfect stranger and I had so much in common. They were mostly superficial things that became really apparent quickly, but I wonder how much you can discover that with anyone the more that you know and talk with them.
Anyone who stays in the same place long enough is bound to have some connections. I just think it's neat when reminders of this come up and smack you in the face, that the world can sometimes be really small and that we are more linked to each other than we realize. I don't know. I feel like I've willingly tried to make my life a little smaller recently, that I've scaled back socializing, that I moved out of a town where I feel very comfortable (but I'm still in another town where I may feel less comfortable in, but have deeper roots-- and is within biking distance of the other). Yet when I lived even farther away I was still ran into people from back home, and this happened enough that it wasn't until I was on another continent I was surprised not to see any familiar faces.
Well. Christmas is almost here, an I'll have plenty of time to ponder the best of my well established connections: my wonderful family. Nothing beats having roots, especially when it becomes something really beautiful. I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier (I have a sense that people-- not hannah-- might find me a little hard to take. I'm ridiculous. and very flawed. and am not as pollyanna sunshine as I project, but I do think that those moments are the ones worth celebrating <-- gross. rachel, you're gross. just stop.) I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier and she said to me, "blossom where you bloom." or was in "bloom where you blossom?" Shoot. I was too busy making apologies for myself to get that right. Anyway, "blossom where you bloom." Another she said is, "there is a difference between settling and settling into something." Not relevant for our purposes but I thought I'd share. Anyway. A bientot! I've exhausted this subject. Thank you for reading,
I am however, interested in coincidences. Coincidences are much easier to come by and less nebulous, especially if you live in the same area for most of your life. Tonight I was sitting, talking with my housemates, when I saw a photograph of my housemate's friend on her computer and what looked like a good friend of mine, taken in another city. Both her friend and mine grew up in different cities, so they had clearly met recently. Then I realized that my brother was also in the photograph (less of a coincidence here, my friend Nathan is also my brother's friend Nathan, and also roommate). It turns out that Nathan and my housemate Sydney's friend both used to work together.
Not less than a half an hour later I realized that a girl from my neighborhood, whom I went to high school and college with-- who I had been randomly and unrelatedly looking at a photo of from an old shoebox of pictures moments earlier-- has a little brother that works with my other housemate. We were talking about her work place and suddenly I realized that that young man I saw behind the counter was Anna's brother. I have never met him. I visited my housemate's workplace the first and only time earlier this week, and it was his first day volunteering there from my understanding. We were just talking about her work and I remembered his face and I asked if he had an older sister, and I believe it is Anna. And I am correct!
This doesn't sound so odd, but the two incidences occurring in such a short time frame made me think about connections. This sort of thing happens. I moved into my house and eventually discovered that another of my housemates lived in the dorms with my old coworker. They went to Stanford. He is from L.A. She is from Brooklyn. We live in none of those places. They both ended up in this area and I befriended them both. He moved away and we stopped working together and then Diana moved in to our house.
I feel like I'm belaboring these details (UNDERSTAND ME! UNDERSTAND ME!), but as a person who does not believe in fate, I do wonder about coincidence. There are some people who are everywhere, and then they are gone. Like when I transferred to university at the same time as this guy Dan, with whom I went to community college. At first I saw him everywhere, and we kept getting classes together, and then at Christmas, amongst thousands of people i ran into him in Disneyland with his girlfriend. Neither of us lived in Southern California. And then I never saw him around anywhere. Why did I see him so much for a while and then in another city? And then nowhere? Hmmm? HMMM?
Or, when I saw my friend Magnus in Munich and didn't really get to say goodbye to him, and then took a five hour train ride to Trier (where he, admittedly was supposed to be the next day, still...) and I saw Magnus a few days later in that town, having dinner with some friends. It was not such a small town that it was just bound to happen. It was wonderful.
I'm sure that there are other examples, as I'm sure you have in your own life. One more: When I moved to Seattle I became friends with this guy that worked at a donut shop that I frequented. I mean, I went there everyday. I am disgusting. I was so happy! Anywho, I met this guy and we became friends and I discovered after a short while that: we are both twins (like he has a twin brother, I have a twin sister), both of our twin siblings studied psychology, he and I both studied International Relations, he participated in Model E.U. in college, I did Model U.N., we were both baptized as Lutherans, we both can do the same creepy slow wink with our eyes...
Oh! And when I was working at a coffee shop in Seattle I saw this woman who looked familiar and just guessed while taking her order that her husband was a man that I knew and really liked who shopped at a grocery store that I worked/work at in California, whom I remembered had moved to Seattle months before I did... and there have been other times where I have been seen people out of context in different cities... like my friend Jeff walking down the street in San Francisco while I was driving with my family... (these are all confirmed sightings by the way).
I don't feel like I'm making too much out of this, because beyond blogging (*gulp*) about these things, I generally forget them as soon as they happen. I might sounds like an idiot for thinking about this so much... I just wonder why that happens. Or how often it really does happen, we just don't recognize the people that it's happening with, like Marge Elliot, whom I've never met and she and I keep crossing paths, but neither of us are aware that it's happening.
I also liked learning that a perfect stranger and I had so much in common. They were mostly superficial things that became really apparent quickly, but I wonder how much you can discover that with anyone the more that you know and talk with them.
Anyone who stays in the same place long enough is bound to have some connections. I just think it's neat when reminders of this come up and smack you in the face, that the world can sometimes be really small and that we are more linked to each other than we realize. I don't know. I feel like I've willingly tried to make my life a little smaller recently, that I've scaled back socializing, that I moved out of a town where I feel very comfortable (but I'm still in another town where I may feel less comfortable in, but have deeper roots-- and is within biking distance of the other). Yet when I lived even farther away I was still ran into people from back home, and this happened enough that it wasn't until I was on another continent I was surprised not to see any familiar faces.
Well. Christmas is almost here, an I'll have plenty of time to ponder the best of my well established connections: my wonderful family. Nothing beats having roots, especially when it becomes something really beautiful. I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier (I have a sense that people-- not hannah-- might find me a little hard to take. I'm ridiculous. and very flawed. and am not as pollyanna sunshine as I project, but I do think that those moments are the ones worth celebrating <-- gross. rachel, you're gross. just stop.) I tried to make Hannah talk to me about love and life earlier and she said to me, "blossom where you bloom." or was in "bloom where you blossom?" Shoot. I was too busy making apologies for myself to get that right. Anyway, "blossom where you bloom." Another she said is, "there is a difference between settling and settling into something." Not relevant for our purposes but I thought I'd share. Anyway. A bientot! I've exhausted this subject. Thank you for reading,
Friday, December 17, 2010
Dear Diary,
I am so comfortable right now that I don't want tomorrow to come. Inevitably, tomorrow will come and it'll be wonderful. I'll go to work and afterwards canoodle and watch a Woody Allen movie of my gentleman friend's choosing. There might even be popcorn, hey hey hey!
I have felt like I've been on vacation the past two days and it has been so nice. I don't think that it's attractive to complain about or that it makes me cool (because I know other people who do this and more) but I have been working a lot recently and I just hit a wall. The last day that I had off of work completely was Thanksgiving, and that day (while so much fun) I spent with someone else's family so it wasn't the most relaxing day I've ever experienced. I meant to keep going until Christmas Eve, but I was given a break and I am so grateful.
I am just so grateful right now for the amazing people in my life, and the wonderful people who are constantly introduced to it as well. When I go to work tomorrow I'll see all of my friends at a place that I'm incredibly comfortable at -- too comfortable... shhhh... never get too comfortable.
My housemates are so amazing, the past few nights I've been able to hang out with them, which has been so nice. Hannah and I sang carols on Wednesday and we all watched It's a Wonderful Life together, last night we had a Christmas party (I did not think to invite many people, but had a great time and we killed it in charades anyhow)... today I hung out in my bath robe most of the day... well, that's not entirely true, we went on a field trip to Hannah's work and saw the smallest raptor in America. We've had these just great, incredibly awesome English guys who are doing a months long road trip across America staying at our house since Wednesday night as well. There are three of them and they're very nice.
This post isn't really interesting or funny. Not that they ever are, but I usually have that hope. This time, I just want to remember how this feels later. We did a secret santa exchange--I tried to guess who everyone had, and Kari scolded me, "not very secret" when I made it clear that I brought the bag meant for Flo... Flo also had me and gave me the perfect gift of fizzy water and a huge salad bowl.
Next week it'll be Christmas! My brother and sister will be in town, I hope to see my cousins who live far away and other extended family members. I have not done any shopping. Except my sister's gift. Crap. I am pooped right now. I walked home from a very lovely party that I was incapable of socializing in. I'm hoping to watch 30 Rock or something after this. It'll be nice.
I feel like tomorrow it'll be back to reality, although I remind myself that that is not a bad thing. I'll be sorry to see our new friends go, but they are off to more adventures in much more exciting cities, and I consider it lucky that they ended up in our house in the first place.
I am happy. And so so tired. I need to come up with another plan. I want to. I am secretly, or not so secretly a very lazy person and feel like I am incapable of this much effort long term. But, another more rational voice tells me that I should buck up, I'm just tired and that things will feel more possible tomorrow. Living the sweet life. xoxo
I have felt like I've been on vacation the past two days and it has been so nice. I don't think that it's attractive to complain about or that it makes me cool (because I know other people who do this and more) but I have been working a lot recently and I just hit a wall. The last day that I had off of work completely was Thanksgiving, and that day (while so much fun) I spent with someone else's family so it wasn't the most relaxing day I've ever experienced. I meant to keep going until Christmas Eve, but I was given a break and I am so grateful.
I am just so grateful right now for the amazing people in my life, and the wonderful people who are constantly introduced to it as well. When I go to work tomorrow I'll see all of my friends at a place that I'm incredibly comfortable at -- too comfortable... shhhh... never get too comfortable.
My housemates are so amazing, the past few nights I've been able to hang out with them, which has been so nice. Hannah and I sang carols on Wednesday and we all watched It's a Wonderful Life together, last night we had a Christmas party (I did not think to invite many people, but had a great time and we killed it in charades anyhow)... today I hung out in my bath robe most of the day... well, that's not entirely true, we went on a field trip to Hannah's work and saw the smallest raptor in America. We've had these just great, incredibly awesome English guys who are doing a months long road trip across America staying at our house since Wednesday night as well. There are three of them and they're very nice.
This post isn't really interesting or funny. Not that they ever are, but I usually have that hope. This time, I just want to remember how this feels later. We did a secret santa exchange--I tried to guess who everyone had, and Kari scolded me, "not very secret" when I made it clear that I brought the bag meant for Flo... Flo also had me and gave me the perfect gift of fizzy water and a huge salad bowl.
Next week it'll be Christmas! My brother and sister will be in town, I hope to see my cousins who live far away and other extended family members. I have not done any shopping. Except my sister's gift. Crap. I am pooped right now. I walked home from a very lovely party that I was incapable of socializing in. I'm hoping to watch 30 Rock or something after this. It'll be nice.
I feel like tomorrow it'll be back to reality, although I remind myself that that is not a bad thing. I'll be sorry to see our new friends go, but they are off to more adventures in much more exciting cities, and I consider it lucky that they ended up in our house in the first place.
I am happy. And so so tired. I need to come up with another plan. I want to. I am secretly, or not so secretly a very lazy person and feel like I am incapable of this much effort long term. But, another more rational voice tells me that I should buck up, I'm just tired and that things will feel more possible tomorrow. Living the sweet life. xoxo
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Shadow of the future
I left work early tonight in order to catch the train before 10 pm-- otherwise I would have had to wait until 11:07 for my train home, making it a day where I leave my house at 8:30 am and do not return until 11:30 pm, possibly midnight if the train is late. Yet, even as I left work I felt wound-up like a top, and going to bed straight away seems impossible. Anxiety.
I think my housemates are out listening to jazz. The house is quiet, and I had expected there to be couchsurfers in our midst by the time I arrived. This week is too busy. Gloriously busy, I cannot complain, (but here I am) social engagements filling my not-abundant spare time.
This week I decided that I want to go to law school. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say these things, although I still get excited at the prospect of long term plans. Since graduating college I have been completely serious when I told people that I would: move to Seattle (I did, for five or six months), be an au pair in Turkey (I was for three weeks), join the Coast Guard (I was thisclose), move to San Francisco (nope), become a nurse (community college is ridiculous right now. I got zero classes. I also had this plan too late for the impacted registration process), become a stand-up comedian (I really told people this. Really.), become an accountant (the school I was going to go to-- fast track-- was super expensive and has been accused of recruiting/exploiting homeless people)... and now I'm claiming that I want to go to law school. And really dream of being Tina Fey. Or some other amazingly funny/smart/cool writer/actor/whatever.
Hmmmmmph. This might be cute if I were ten years old. or barbie. "I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter (I forgot! I at one time claimed to want to be a firefighter! holy sh*t.)..." It brings me much anxiety.
Tonight I don't want to be anything. I want to keep living at my house, keep seeing the nice boy, keep working my jobs. Because I think that if I wasn't worried about money I'd still want to live in my house, and still like mostly everything about my life. I just wouldn't be trying to put a band-aid on my worried mind. Or I would be. who knows. My sister, she is so together, and she is the same way. Not quite as flighty, but she has the same concerns. It's the age.
Oh, people are home now. Neat!
Moments ago: My housemates replaced my lost copy of It's A Wonderful Life! My favorite movie! They bought it for me and stuck it under our tiny live Christmas tree (they decorated the house to be so lovely while I was at work the other day). I thanked them profusely, and they said they did it for the "same selfish reason everyone gives gifts, to see the happiness on your face" <-- what they actually said was much more funny, but it was lost to me immediately when I planned to remember it. GOOD NIGHT!
I think my housemates are out listening to jazz. The house is quiet, and I had expected there to be couchsurfers in our midst by the time I arrived. This week is too busy. Gloriously busy, I cannot complain, (but here I am) social engagements filling my not-abundant spare time.
This week I decided that I want to go to law school. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say these things, although I still get excited at the prospect of long term plans. Since graduating college I have been completely serious when I told people that I would: move to Seattle (I did, for five or six months), be an au pair in Turkey (I was for three weeks), join the Coast Guard (I was thisclose), move to San Francisco (nope), become a nurse (community college is ridiculous right now. I got zero classes. I also had this plan too late for the impacted registration process), become a stand-up comedian (I really told people this. Really.), become an accountant (the school I was going to go to-- fast track-- was super expensive and has been accused of recruiting/exploiting homeless people)... and now I'm claiming that I want to go to law school. And really dream of being Tina Fey. Or some other amazingly funny/smart/cool writer/actor/whatever.
Hmmmmmph. This might be cute if I were ten years old. or barbie. "I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter (I forgot! I at one time claimed to want to be a firefighter! holy sh*t.)..." It brings me much anxiety.
Tonight I don't want to be anything. I want to keep living at my house, keep seeing the nice boy, keep working my jobs. Because I think that if I wasn't worried about money I'd still want to live in my house, and still like mostly everything about my life. I just wouldn't be trying to put a band-aid on my worried mind. Or I would be. who knows. My sister, she is so together, and she is the same way. Not quite as flighty, but she has the same concerns. It's the age.
Oh, people are home now. Neat!
Moments ago: My housemates replaced my lost copy of It's A Wonderful Life! My favorite movie! They bought it for me and stuck it under our tiny live Christmas tree (they decorated the house to be so lovely while I was at work the other day). I thanked them profusely, and they said they did it for the "same selfish reason everyone gives gifts, to see the happiness on your face" <-- what they actually said was much more funny, but it was lost to me immediately when I planned to remember it. GOOD NIGHT!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
mama and carl
Growing up I had cable. and braces.and went to Disneyland-- more than once. Yet somehow I am under the impression that I was deprived in my childhood. I know that it is absurd. I never went hungry. There was never a space left bare under the Christmas tree. I at one time had forty barbie dolls, before I decided that sixth graders are too old for those friends and regretfully retired the camp to the garage. My allowance was a pittance, but as I am aware, under a certain age I was not required rent, nor heat, nor charge for sustenance. I have come to the conclusion that my parents wanted to give the world to me, and when this was of course impossible, my head confused all of the details and the intent, only to be sorted out when I ask nothing of them but love.
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