Tomorrow, or I guess today (at this late hour) is New Year's Eve. 2010 is ending. My oh my.
I used to come up with a list of New Year's Resolutions about 10 deep. Usually the first would be to lose some serious weight. I've given up on that, let me tell you. I've accepted that I would not be doing it in a way that would be healthy or accounting for the heaviness of my future/imagined bulging muscles that would come with working out consistently. (I want to be ballerina sized. I also want to be freakishly strong. I want to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer?-- NERD)
I would also resolve to study another language (to be bilingual!), followed by a resolution for better personal habits. You know, keeping my room clean, being nicer, etc. Basically delineating the qualities of the perfect person I wish to be and setting myself up to fail.
So, this year... I don't know. I've scrapped this resolution thing in the recent past, feeling like I already want to strive to be better all of the time without this silly timeline that New Year's Eve causes me and others to self-impose. My feeling is that people will only change when they are ready to, for good or ill. I am far from a disciplined person, but I have been able to be disciplined in certain areas of my life when I felt that I was ready. This coming year I think will be a continuing quest (half-hearted, though far from disinterested ) to think up what my future could look like, and what I need to do (funds, courage, work. and above all gumption) to get there. That's another thought I've had recently. Who knows what the future looks like, but I'm glad that I was at least raised with the thought that if I work hard I should be able to achieve some tangible dreams. That seems like it is less true for many people these days, but I've spent a good 25 years believing that and that's better than a lot of people get. Ho hum. I say this, but really I have some ridiculous expectations, or low expectations but a crazy entitlement complex. Maybe this is it. End.
I don't know. I guess I would like to resolve to be neater, but that seems unlikely to occur (until I'm ready? ha!). I think it's really unattractive to be an adult and to be a slob. But since I was a little kid, my room has been in a state of chaos, mounds of clean laundry, unmade bed, general clutter. The past few places I've lived I haven't even bothered unpacking boxes of books and other junk that makes me wonder why I have all of this sh*t to begin with. I have devised a method for sorting my clean clothes from the dirty: the clean clothes are piled at the foot of my mattress. The dirty clothes are shoved behind boxes on the other side of the room. There is nothing gross, no moldy food on old dishes, no funky broccoli smell (there was a period of my life...), but clutter, clutter everywhere.
Maybe this year I will resolve to do some form of exercise (real. the kind where I'd sweat) every day. Will this happen? Maybe to commit to this I also need to resolve to spend more time in the nude. Is that shallow? Of course. Should I resolve to read more? To be kinder? Meh. There is so much to improve upon, for everyone. Can you imagine that if people, like they binge eat before New Year's in preparation for their resolution diets, went around being jerks to everyone, preparing for the upcoming year's improved attitude?
Happy New Year! Here's hoping that you are safe, fulfilled and loved in the coming year. And I wish that I had a joke to finish this with. Good luck!
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