I've noticed (as you may have as well) that some of those celebrated people with creative temperaments are kind of selfish jerks. Yeah, you've gone down in history Gauguin, but what did your kids think of you? I can tell you exactly: they didn't give a hoot about your art. And what was more important? This is why I like movies like Its a Wonderful Life and the hokey ending of Mr. Holland's Opus. And why I appreciate all of the mamas and papas who decide to do the things that aren't always fun, because it stops being all about them (and a reason I'm terrified of having the babies before I'm okay with acting like a responsible adult full-time myself). That's what it takes to age gracefully I suspect, learning how to take care of yourself in all necessary ways without making it all about you. Here's something nice though, from a lady who knows next to nothing about art: Henri Matisse discovered his love for painting while he was convalescing from appendicitis... you know what this means? I'm maybe one terrible head cold away from discovering that I'm a secret genius.
Perhaps biology is working it's voodoo magic more than I realize, as lately I've been thinking way more about kids and families than ever... without planning to have those things soon, or ever if the right circumstances don't present themselves. Maybe it has something to do with my own mom having us when she was around my age, a fact which blows my mind whenever I contemplate my own youth and confusion and how inept I would be if I had three small children in my care-- not only in my care, but completely responsible for their well-being on all fronts. Geez.
Sometimes I feel really trapped by life, but maybe I'm just settling in. There is no secret door that will open to my future. I can leave at any time. However, I do worry that the weeks do turn into months and years and eventually you're here, and you thought you'd be there... but best laid plans go to pot sometimes anyway. You have kids, you buy a house, eventually you get divorced or someone dies. But! There is time between those things, and that's what I need to remember. Not to miss it by waiting for something significant to unfold or some big answer to present itself. Because I doubt that's going to happen. This is it. That's the answer.
People go in for these grand theories and then somehow try to find a way to explain the exceptions. How about this: life is the exceptions. I like romantic movies because they are all about the grand theory of life. One day fate just presents itself to the characters; it had been lurking nearby all along. It's nice. I sometimes feel like I'm waiting for my fate to jump out from behind the refrigerator and scare the crap out of me, before we both start laughing at that expression on my face the moment it happened. But anyway, in the meantime, I think I'm supposed to do something to jump start this destiny of mine. Here I am reminded of the proverb, "trust in God, but tie your camel."
Am I a broken record or what?
Also, the today I saw a magazine advertisement that contrasted a flip-flop and a car with the idea that these two items were "both invented with change in mind". man, were these guys just phoning it in, or what? maybe if I had read further it would have elaborated on how the two items, though different, were similar in their relaxed attitude and non-traditional functionality. Boo. Thumbs down. Uninspired. Okay, I'm done.
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